::A Proclamation From the Crown::

Decrees, anointments, and declarations from the Crown may be found here. I've been called a Queen, but I'm far from it. I've taken what I have darling. I am an Empress!

::Tired:: I'm tired of it and I expect a change, refusal to do so may lead to an unfortunate situation where consequences can be divvied. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/31/2002 05:02:00 PM	Friday
::Elementary School:: "Success" To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breather easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. -Ralph Waldo Emerson The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/31/2002 04:55:00 PM
::Taps Microphone:: An Official Decree from the Crown: Ladies and Lessermen, regrettably your Empress had been distracted by matters outside of her domain, never fear (unless you’re fearing her) your all-powerful provider of peril has returned, move over Elton the BITCH IS BACK! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/29/2002 01:37:00 PM	Wednesday
::Enough:: Enough Said! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/29/2002 01:28:00 PM
::Knight:: Janelle and I went off and Starwars at the Fox in Westwood Village. She hadn’t ever been to that movie palace before so it was kind of an outing. Miss Janelle has a thing for Ewan, I can’t blame her he is a hottie and seemingly sweet to boot. Her affections have broadened with the arrival of young Hayden Christensen though. She and I sat and watched the planted love scenario grow inside of an action packed space aged flick and felt our hearts go pitter patter. On the ride home she mentioned that she wished she had a boyfriend and if she did he’d be getting some tonight. I smiled and thought to myself how happy I was that I have one and more over happy that I have the one that I do. He is really pushing me to think and see more and more of myself and of others. I don’t know if he has recognized the affect he has had on met. I don’t know if I’ve had the same or any lasting effect on him, but that is okay. I have been slightly curious about a small change in him lately and I must say that it had concerned me. Is it some sort of effect I have had on him or is it more? I wondered if he was loosing interest, if I was pestering him too much, or if he simply needed more space. He’s fine though, I wonder if I am. I can’t seem to make the same connections to him as I had before nor am I able to attract his attention as I once had. Perhaps we have simply cooled and have gotten past that place where a ton of attention is needed or maybe this is all in my head. I can’t figure out what is wrong with me or why I am acting the way that I am. I know that I love him and he loves me. That should be enough, does a fledging relationship need more? The fact that we are a few thousand miles apart must hinder us, coupled with the fact that I have a habit of becoming clingy and demanding, and I’m likely to have become more so to compensate for our separation. It is just that I really miss him. He is still there but has less to say to me. It weighs very heavy on my heart but its okay. I’m beginning to understand more and more of him, but as I do so I seem to realize that I know less and less. I truly want things to work well. I love him. I want the way I feel about him to continue. I hope he lets me. posted by Steven @ 5/27/2002 02:41:00 AM	Monday
::And I feel fine:: I don’t know how to act and I have no means to act as I feel. My actions are misread and my thoughts serve no benefit. I’ve been welcomed into a newly constructed room but have been asked not to open any of the doors to enter. I try my hardest to do what is best for myself and for others and lately it has landed my in a pool of pain. I’m inclined to tuck myself away and wait until I am called upon for assistance, but why? If I can be there and stop harm before it occurs why must I wait until after it has been inflicted. Why do I feel awful when I have done no wrong? Why do I bother when someone seemingly lacks an ambition to care? Why do I wonder when I’ve been asked not to know. I’m me and that is all I fully know how to be. My actions, mistakes, insecurities, ignorance, knowledge serve to act as a portion of the collective that develops. I grow and I learn as I’ve done for the past twenty-two years. I’ve decided that I’m happy and that I feel fine. There is always at least one way through a closed door. I just need to wait and learn how to find it. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/26/2002 12:42:00 AM	Sunday
::Little Red Man:: It’s four in the morning and I’m sitting and waiting by my computer waiting for someone I know will not appear. I can’t help but feel alone right now. I have friends who love me, a family that adores me, a boyfriend that, well he loves me too. I still feel alone. I feel silent and unheard. For the first time in life I felt a wave of emptiness and silence fall upon me earlier today. I let my thoughts and feelings get the best of me, again, and failed to see the life around me. I don’t know why I insist and just feeling, unable to stop and to reach inside my head to think; lately I can’t help it. I now scream with peace and follow my soul and ignore my own cardinal rule, to follow my mind and my heart as my one guide. Is this new erratic practice wise? If it is why do I hurt so often? Hurt is good if you learn from it, I wish I knew what I was supposed to learn. I do end up learning a lot about myself and how I really feel, though I pay no mind to what comes. I’m running away from myself into my own arms and looking to see who has see my own spectacle. It is now 4:15am and it looks like I’ve caught my own attention. I wonder who else will see, looks like I caught at least one eye. Little red man just turned blue. =) The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/25/2002 04:29:00 AM	Saturday
::Absence:: I tend to worry too much about too many things; perhaps this is why I’m such a curious person. I seem to have a need to know everything and yet I care little enough to let what I learn effect how I feel. I openly say that my thoughts are most important to me and that the thoughts of others are secondary. Of course this tends to give people the wrong impression. I constantly say things that I know will be taken the wrong way but I never stop myself from saying them. I suppose I have an insatiable need to express myself even though these expressions can cause confusion. I guess since I know what I mean I know that what I say is fine and if others truly give a damn they’ll inquire. Though I must admit that even those who do tend to fail to understand what they can’t possibly. So why express what others tend not to be able to fallow. Why act and fail to give folks misconceptions. It’s just how I am. I honestly hope to keep the interests of the better good at hand at whatever costs I may be forced to endure. I have always felt that my blunt honestly has been a cause harm in my life. I have been accused of being or trying to be a martyr. I’ve been called selfish, brave, demanding, trustworthy, bitchy, loyal, self-absorbed, generous, arrogant, real, ignorant, liberal, rude and considerate. So what if I am. So what if I am not. It seems I’m a real life contradiction. I’m a pain in the ass, but I’m a warm feeling in the heart all at the same time. When I love I love well. When I commit I dedicate my soul. When I rain I pour. When I lash out I inflict. I am simply overly difficult, I’m overly complicated in the most simplistic of ways. I am a ball of understandable confusion. I’m the strongest weak person one can know. I’m am confident in my insecurities. I’m lonesome in my crowded life. I live under an undefined rule of thumb. For one of the few times of my life I have come to a place where I not only question the thoughts and motivations of others but I analyze the thoughts and actions of myself. Do I truly feel and think how I think I do? Do my thought processes genuinely make as much sense as I thought they had? Is my path the direction I want to take? I’m currently taking on one of the greatest challenges of my life, myself. I wonder who will overcome. I wonder what will result. I wonder who will live and I wonder who will die. I wonder who will be borne. Whatever the outcome though, I know I’ll be happy because I know I’ll be me. The one constant feature of my life, no matter how strange or common, I’ll always be me and that my friend makes me smile. I hope it you smile too. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/20/2002 02:34:00 AM	Monday
::Whip it Good:: It is 2:55 in the morning and I am still up. Yes even though I’m completely pooped and would love almost nothing better than to lie on my bed. Why don’t I you ask? I’ll tell you. I’m whipped. The Defender of the Duplicitous doesn’t get out of school until 3:00 am our time so until then I’m making due with Internet games and long warm showers. The shower part wasn’t so bad really. There is nothing like a long warm shower. Lately I have made time to just sit on the shower floor with the water running over me. It is really a fantastically calming sensation. I think everyone should try it. Simply find a comfortable way to sit, lower you head, and let the water sprinkle over you. It is calming and allows you to focus on your thoughts. My intro to Zen Buddhism professor would be so proud of me. Little does he know this is a practice I picked up long before I ever began university. Anyway, so I miss the boy. I talked to him a few hours ago on the phone and I miss him already. Gosh its not like we don’t talk every single night, of course I love every minute of it; yes even the fighting, but it’s almost not enough. I want to be there in his arms, resting my head against his chest as he runs his fingers over me saying anything or everything. Less than two more months to go till I can have a night like that. Our daily emails and telephone calls do a nice substitute for now though. It is 3:05 already. Wow it took me ten minutes to write this much, I better brush up on my skills. I guess it is late/early enough for me to be out of it and still get away with it though. Back to the point at hand. Without sounding like a leech or a stalker, I can’t help but want to be at his side every waking moment of the day. Of course I’m an overly independent person and he appears well into his own thing too, but I’d make the exception in this case. I just noticed how I’m randomly interjecting things into this entry. Hmmm. I’ve already decided that I plan to spend the entirety of my first night in Sydney with him, if he’ll allow me too, and I don’t even care what we do. It is just the idea of being with him in person that makes my heart flutter. Has anyone ever known me to be this topsy turvey for a boy before? I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ve known myself to be this way and do you know what? It’s if fucking amazing! It is 3:15am. Na-na-na-na-na. I say whip it. Na-na-na-na. Whip it good! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/08/2002 03:15:00 AM	Wednesday
::Betty Davis Eyes:: I've fallen in love. That’s right. Yup, that’s right, I said love. Can you believe that? I leave Los Angeles in less than 2 months and I find the perfect boy. Luckily he’s already where I’m going. Now those of you high in my court know that I haven’t really been seeing someone. A ha! I say. You may have heard of Sir Lluke-Alex, Defender of the Duplicitous. He has found away around my armor and into my heart. Most of you may be thinking, how could one have done so? He treats me right, respects me, fights with me, calls me names, gives me a hard time, is sweet to me, honors me, and perhaps most importantly he informs me of how he really feels (sometimes needing a little push to do so, but he still tells me the truth). We’ve been incredible friends for the longest of times and have well gone over my two week long probationary hump, which alone qualifies as a huge accomplishment. Open up the palace gates and bring in the table for two. Queenie (officially her Absolute Greatness Empress Stdiva) has a new man in her life. Long live the Queen. Long lasnt her love! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/05/2002 03:37:00 AM	Sunday