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Decrees, anointments, and declarations from the Crown may be found here. I've been called a Queen, but I'm far from it. I've taken what I have darling. I am an Empress!
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::San Angeles::
The dough finally came in. Woo hoo. My date with Ikea went well. Cheap furniture anyone. Speaking of dates, I almost went on one. Though apparently I'm a bit too young looking. Hmm. It was wierd to plan for a date though. I haven't been on one in ages. Like with a person I didn't really know. Of course the thought of Efrain loomed in my mind in the background. Speaking of which, I haven't heard from the boy in ages, no emails, to cards. Nothing. I'm starting to think he's avoiding me. If he was I'd rather he just let me know instead of keeping my hopes and heart tide.
I've had Los Angeles on the brain. Busted out my I Love LA mp3 today on my brand new computer speakers. Woo Hoo! All of Sydney loves LA now too. I haven't really written much on my new Sydney friends, maybe because it's so temporary. If I don't go back most of them will. It's kind of a bummer. No one can replace the home folk I've found, it's not as if I've lost that idea; I've just been reminded of it.
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/28/2002 06:28:00 AM
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Wednesday  |
::Ring::
(Written August 28, 2002)
What won’t he check his email and why wont he get a new friggin cell phone? Wow I am totally venting. It’s not like I check my email everyday anymore. So I should totally understand and I really do. I just miss the boy and would like to hear from him. ::sigh::
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/28/2002 06:21:00 AM
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::Hungry::
I'm hungry, I have no money, and I'm bitter. Have a nice day!
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/22/2002 01:40:00 AM
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Thursday |
::Qantas::
(Written on August 20, 2002)
I think I decided I want to come home today. Not anytime soon I don't think, but eventually. When that is I don't know. It makes sense to stay and work a small bit after I earn my Masters but I'm not sure I want to. I miss my big beautiful City of the Angeles, I miss my mommy, I miss my culture or lack there of, I miss my boy, I miss America, I miss so much. I do like Sydney. I like waking up in the morning and looking out onto the beautiful harbor. I like the freedom and newness I've found here. I like not having to worry about driving or even catching a bus. I like that I've found new bits of myself here. Given its wonderful qualities, it's still isn't and can never be Los Angeles.
Thinking that I will come home now has opened an old door in my heart. The poor bastards reading this I'm sure are so tired of hearing about my obsession with the boy I love. Luckily I write this journal for me so everyone else will have to just deal. I've realized if I do want to wait for my boy, that I don't care to see anyone else while I'm here. I'm sure it would be very nice and it wouldn't be honest to say that I haven't thought about it, but my heart isn't really into it. Whenever I meet someone I could potentially date I stop myself to think about Efrain and how much I love him. I guess it makes more sense to just do as time dictates and see what happens when I go back, I never knew myself to be logical though.
Some friends and I were talking about partnership rings today and how the idea is so cute. I mentioned that before I left I gave Efrain a ring and chain I bought for him when we first started going out. It's not at all the most impressive bit of jewelry but it fit the sentiment. The rings weren't partnership rings but a sign of our love and commitment to each other. The clasp on my chain broke so I carry it and the ring in my wallet to garnet their presence. It's only a matter now of figuring out what else I would like to guarantee, or rather what we would like to. I'm not at a place where I could give my love away to someone else, I don't think he is either. I miss that boy. I think of him constantly. He wouldn't at all be the sole reason for a return home but I think he would be a part of it. He's been the great love of my short life and he'll continue to be so whether we're together or not. Time will tell and so will our love.
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/22/2002 01:39:00 AM
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::Wrong::
So I was totally wrong, he tried to call me a thousand times. Happiness consumes me. Evil international operator! What a wonderful boy. If only teleportation was possible. Hmm. =)~
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/19/2002 03:13:00 AM
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Monday |
::Stronger::
(Written August 19, 2002)
I’ve never had such a hard time getting over someone. I’ve always been able to move on to day two without looking back to yesterday. I guess that has to do with the fact that I’ve never really been dumped. I’ve never been stripped of something I really wanted while I wanted it. Then there was E. When we first broke up I didn’t really have a hard time moving on. I was angry, frustrated, bitter, and worn out. Of course even when we did decide to go our own ways I did wish we weren’t even though I felt it was time. I kept the memory of what we had with me always, looking back to smile at the great times and then frown once I recalled how difficult the hard times were. Fast forward three and a half years and I find my self in a completely different place. I find myself wishing he were here. I find myself attracted to other boys but then halted by the idea that I might hurt him and that I’m not sure I really want to move on. It seems essential that I do. I won’t be home for at least another year and five months. I’m thirsty for a relationship and I want the best for both of us. Still though the fact that I can’t move on because I’m not out of love with E still exists. I’ve had a few opportunities and I’ve turned them away or stopped first to ponder about me feelings with E. I send out emails and sit to check whenever I can to see if he’s responded. He said he’d call and he hasn’t and I’m sad because of it. When I call him he’s never home so I feel let down. Of course I’m not at all upset by the fact that he’s distracted. He’s a very busy boy. He works very hard and deserves to have fun. It just goes to show that I still have a tremendous amount of feeling left inside of me. The fact that I’m sad he hasn’t called or that he’s never home to talk to me clearly demonstrates the great amount of love left in my heart. For a short while I wondered if I thought I missed him as much as I had because I was romantically alone here, but having been given the chance to have new relationships and having not taken them because of my feelings toward E have proved otherwise. I was in a brisk but wonderful rekindled relationship. Though time had passed emotions were quick to return with a vengeance. They came back harder, redeveloped extremely fast and are felt stronger.
I now have the advantage of understanding my feelings and knowing that they are real. I don’t find it odd that I secretly hoped that he had moved on so that I could use that as an excuse for myself to do the same. I wanted to be hurt so I could channel that into strength. Instead I sit here wishing he were here with me, not exactly wanting to move on. He said he’s always be there whenever I decided to return no matter what. He said that I am his true love. Those words ring in my head every single day. Of course logic says who knows what the future holds, what happens if I do come home and he’s met someone wonderful? What happens if he meets someone he loves more; would he still want to run to me and hold my tight? Would I find it fair for him to do so if he was in a happy and loving relationship? Would I want to cause problems for some poor boy that has the good fortune of being blessed by Efrain’s love? I’ve had it done to me from some fool who tried to steal his love and it tore me apart. I don’t think I’d want to do it to someone else. I do think I’d want him to be happy and would do whatever it meant to achieve that. Will I stay in Australia longer than my education permits or will I go home for the right reasons? I can’t yet prepare for tomorrow, but I can focus on today. Today I’m still in love and it makes me silly.
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/19/2002 03:12:00 AM
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::Resort::
(Written August 10, 2002)
I’ve yet to establish an Internet connection so I have decided to maintain a log on my computer that I can add to my web page in bits when I have time and resources. It’s a royal pain not to be able to check my email, surf the net, and keep up with friends on a daily basis. I have gotten so used to it. Though things have started to come into place here, I’m of course still having a hard time rounding rough corners.
I have yet to receive my financial aid package from Sallie Mae, it’s only about a month and a half late. I have completely exhausted my savings and my Uni’s emergency student loan plan. Luckily I have very generous friends who have floated my some dough for the time being. Woo hoo for well-off international students who are kind with their money!
I have an apartment with a killer view. I’m certain the amount of rent I pay ($240.00 AUD a week) is purely for the view, a worth while view. I have a direct view of the harbor, which of course includes the Opera House, Harbor Bridge, Royal Botanical Gardens, and the Central Business District. Whenever I’m bored all I need to do is sit near my balcony and watch the helicopters film shots for the new Matrix films being shot here. Apparently the city/county is undergoing a film boom.
I’ve made quit a few friends since I’ve arrived. Most of them from parts outside of the United States/Australia, but I’ve managed to form a small pack of American Gay Boys that I hang with on a regular basis. They’re really great guys. It’s funny how we just came together, but like they say Birds of a feather flock together, especially when they’re all wearing feather boas. Of course I can’t compare them to my friends back home, but they’re nice and I find myself drawn closer to them as time goes on.
It seems everyone I know wants to know what I think about the boy scene here. It’s huge and there is surely a great bounty of cute ones, but I’m not really looking. Small sparks flew with an old member of the aristocracy, but our hearts weren’t into it so it burnt out. I don’t think my mind is at a place where it can focus on a relationship or even on dating. If the right opportunity with the right person came I’d be open to exploring it, but at this point it’s not coming and I’m not on a hunt. The fact that I haven’t completely moved on from E I’m sure played a role on my lack of a desire for great attention from the same sex. It’s funny I’m the type of person who can collect his emotions and place them where they need to be when I want them to be, but I haven’t seemed to find the ability or perhaps the want to move away from E. We didn't separate because we didn’t love each other or because one of us had fucked things up; there hasn’t been a real reason for my feelings to change so they really haven’t. I find myself waking up and thinking about him, staring at a gift he sent me and smiling, looking at his picture and remembering. Perhaps it’s because the history we share that makes him so unique. I wonder what his thoughts are. I get an email now and then on how he is doing and it does me well to know he is doing fine. I wonder when he will start dating again, if he hasn’t already. A small part of me wants him to date soon, perhaps that will help me to move on if he has. Of course I’m sure I won’t be thrilled with the idea but it has to come at some point. May as well be sooner than later, I hope he tells me when he does. I wonder how I would tell him if I start seeing someone. Perhaps the fact that he has the address to this site may give it away before I have the chance to. The risk of giving people access to this journal is that they have a window to my thoughts. As long as they are able to understand that they are reading my thoughts and know that I write what I feel regardless of them problems shouldn’t arise and that if people find they can’t handle my expression they probably shouldn’t expose themselves to it. I’ve recently had an encounter where my journal was addressed, it was resolved with the previously mentioned instruction, I wonder if this is why I mentioned what I just did, to give a pseudo warning to others. Nah! That’s not why.
Wow 5:00 am. Time for bed. ZzZzZz. G’Night. Gee I’ve never told myself goodnight before, I guess there is a first time for everything.
The Crown
posted by Steven @
8/19/2002 03:11:00 AM
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