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Decrees, anointments, and declarations from the Crown may be found here. I've been called a Queen, but I'm far from it. I've taken what I have darling. I am an Empress!
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::Feelings::
I felt ill this morning. I spoke to Ryan about dating. We disclosed our private indiscretions with bodies and explain to each other how much we had wished we were with each other instead. I didn’t initially know how to feel about the whole dating thing. I wasn’t sad, nor was I happy. I instead felt empty. I lacked the fullness I once had when I loved with Ryan. The substitute of loved friendship is filling but not quite so nourishing as I had hoped, but if we want to continue enjoying the joy of each other’s fruit we’ll both have to learn to get used to it.
Oddly, or rather surprisingly I’ve lagged during the healing process; that’s the impression I’ve been led to perceive. It appears my little actor may be better at playing on stage than I thought. I knew he was hiding his emotions; that fact that he missed me, cried for weeks, lost weight as a product of depression, etc was eventually disclosed and now I’m beginning to think his apparent emotional wellness is also a sham. Bless his heart.
Oh and Travis is a no good backstabbing pig. Ryan told him no. I love that boy.
The Crown.
posted by Steven @
9/23/2003 02:51:00 AM
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Tuesday  |
::Asked Ryan Yoshimoto::
Her name is Sandy. =)
The Crown
posted by Steven @
9/16/2003 03:01:00 AM
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::The Marina::
I went on a date, a real date. A date where the perceived intention of both people involved was to be out on a date. It was interesting, I allowed myself to relax and fall into the romance of the night. A long walk from my place to the San Francisco Water Park was had. We gazed through the fog at the blinking lights across the marina to the pier, it was very Great Gatsby; green blinking light even further out in the distance and what not.
I had a good time. I actually for a second forgot about Ryan and how odd it would be to try and possibly establish emotions for anyone but him. That’s of course not to say that I didn’t have moments where I sat and thought about how I somehow in some distant universe be betraying Ryan or how much I wished he was there next to me instead, followed by the reality of me having to move on and that there was no wrong in doing so. He and I have actually started to become regular friends and starting to become accustomed to having a past and discussing it without tears or regret. It’s nice.
I have another date on Wednesday. I’m looking forward to it. We’ll see what happens. My fingers are crossed; yours will be too.
The Crown
posted by Steven @
9/16/2003 01:17:00 AM
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::11::
I look at my clock and attempt to do a time conversion for Sydney. Tomorrow would have been our seventh month anniversary. I wonder what we would have done for it. A large part of me wish he were there to find out.
As days past I fall more in love with Ryan. He's becoming more and more of a best friend, mind you he's always been one of my best friends, but now he's only that. A friend with a history and a friend who better have a future if he knows what is best for him.
We talk on a regular basis and our conversations are becoming nicer to listen to. I had such a hard time hearing about how wonderful his life was, even if he was only pretending. The hardest part was knowing I wasn't there to enjoy it with him. I wonder what he'll think when he wakes and sees that it is the 12th. Should I call him? Email him? Send him a single white rose? Sit fondly and remember how fuckin' awesome it was!?
Where is that calling card info anyway? Happy 7th month. I'm spending it without you and it hurts.
posted by Steven @
9/11/2003 02:48:00 AM
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Thursday |
::Growing::
It's not that I haven't had anything to write, I've just haven't had the heart to write any of it down. I've been happily depressed since my arrival in San Fran (they hate when it's called that). I've had a great time getting to know the city, but I've had a miserable time forgetting the one I've left behind.
Ryan and I talk almost every other day and though it's hard to sit and carry a conversation without getting misty; it's worth it. We had an argument the other day. The first one that wasn't resolved in the same sitting. It was on the Internet and he had more important things to do, hmm things that are now more important than me that never were. The tiff started when I called him insensitive: speedos, shirtless dancing, clubs, friends, happiness... were our most recent topics of conversation. While he was out, what I thought was, having the time of his life; I was home sad and alone. Turns out my lil acting friend is a pretty good actor, not that I didn't know that. Rye has been in worse shape than I have been, but has been putting on a pretty picture for the benefit of us. He told me that he cried so much he became ill and put of a few kilos. Call me sadistic, but I felt better. Not because he was miserable, but because I knew he missed me as much as I had missed him and that he was putting on his happy show in an attempt to make me feel better. What a sweetie. I love that boy more and more. He's a wonderful boy and I'm glad to know him. He's one of my best friends.
This city suddenly looks prettier. Looks like the fog has rolled out. Maybe I'll step out into the light. Its 1:03am.
The Crown
posted by Steven @
9/10/2003 01:14:00 AM
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Wednesday |
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