::A Proclamation From the Crown::

Decrees, anointments, and declarations from the Crown may be found here. I've been called a Queen, but I'm far from it. I've taken what I have darling. I am an Empress!

::City by the Lake:: This weekend a group of Janelle’s, Lady of the Bay, closest friends headed out to Tahoe for a Janelle’s birthday week of debauchery. It was a beautiful weekend. We drank our Friday night away and revealed too much to one another in a drunken glaze of vodka, which of course made it a bit easier for Nathan and I got reacquainted. The following morning, after a late wake, we played in the water and laid on the lake’s shores. After a few hours of frolicking, nap and food time we made our debut at the Tahoe Casino scene where I soon lost all of my two dollars. I decided that was enough money to loose for the night. Nate, Iowa’s Rainbow Son, Ms. Kittty and I decided we wanted to hit the sheets and get a little shuteye, which we did but some of us later than others. All in all the weekend was fun, frisky, and forever memorable. The Crown This is officially my blandest entry ever. posted by Steven @ 7/25/2004 10:24:00 PM	Sunday
(back dated from early march) ::Tina Arena:: Symphony of life…hmm. If life is musical I think it would be more of a pirated mixed cd. A lil shadey in making, often requiring more than one disk, but nice to hear once burnt. The 24 tracks I have made thus far have been rather interesting, filled with a variety of sounds. My latest track sounds pretty good. I’m very happy in San Francisco. I just met someone here and though it’s way to early to put any faith into it, I can’t help but be optimistic. The Black Knight for India just met a boy he’s fallen head over feet for and as luck would have it, he’ll have to leave him behind. The Knight is taking flight away from Kangaroo Kingdom to some far distant land. The memory of this incidence a bit closer to home is still fresh. I just developed a role of old film from Roo-land, it was romantically awkward watching Ryan and I as the happy little couple. I can finally look back and smile without feeling as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and flushed down the toilet. My European exodus begins next Monday. Lizzy here I come… I’ve just realized how tired I am so I think I’ll take a nap before Mark comes over. Yes, sounds like a good idea. The Crown posted by Steven @ 7/25/2004 10:04:00 PM
::Life:: I've been busy, but I'm alive. Ruff! Comet. The Crown posted by Steven @ 6/20/2004 04:20:00 PM
::4:: One really is the luckiest number I have ever known =). The Crown posted by Steven @ 2/17/2004 02:15:00 AM	Tuesday
::Survivor:: When is it too late to say no? I’ve always been taught and have taught others that it is never too late to say stop, no, I don’t want to, etc. Is that teaching really practical? When a person has had too much liquor, finds themselves naked in bed, consentingly of course, and is then penetrated with a fingers or a cock; is that when practicality falls from the lesson plan. Stern shouts of we shouldn’t be doing this to avoid any altercation possible associated with no fall on deaf ears. Repeated requests to stop are ignored under the noise of the motions. Sure the soon to become survivor is not at fault and we teach that they are never responsible for these devious actions, but how much does that really protect the person from this danger? What happens when the all-knowledgeable teacher falls prey to such an occurrence, should s/he have known better? Is s/he really truly absolved from any sort of responsibility? This wouldn’t have happened had I been with Ryan. Ryan would never have done this too me. Truth but, crutch? Ryan was amazingly fantastic, but Ryan isn’t here and I need to wake up to that fact. Him being single again does not officially make him any more mine now than it did the day after I left, but I like to think it could. So I have thought about moving. How realistic is that? How much of a rape is being committed upon my life’s plans, how much is it not if I’m willing to adjust my life to include my so-called desires. I suppose it’s almost about time I find out. The Crown posted by Steven @ 1/14/2004 12:28:00 PM	Wednesday
::Time:: I’m at a crossroads of my life. I am a minute away from boarding a plane and arriving in Sydney. I made the arrangements and have even checked about gaining employment. I called the boy, wrote him and letter and made him. I called my mama and she made me cry. I’ m sitting in San Francisco partly wishing I were in Sydney and parting glad that I am here. I am a whole lot confused but pretty clear in what I think I know, which in short is a whole lot of nothing. I’m a minute from the rest of my life, if only I knew what it was; but I guess if I knew that much it wouldn’t be worth living. The Crown posted by Steven @ 1/12/2004 11:29:00 PM	Monday
::and:: I was just stood up. I love this day. Oh the sarcasm. The Crown posted by Steven @ 12/12/2003 11:47:00 PM	Friday
::Sweet dreams:: The dream is gone. My bubble has burst. The time I wished for and have forsakes has come. I’ve lost my love. Into the arms of another he goes. On the lips of another he wants. In the bed of another he lies. The pain I feel is gay and beyond description. Joyous for his happiness I fly with butterflies. Consumed with sorry I weep on the corner of my kitchen, depressed, sad, confused, and afraid. My heart cries for distance My heart cries for proximity, the proximity of his touch, his smell, his breath, smile, and love. The pride of meeting his parents, the anger of our fights, the sensationalism of our love making, tingles of our memories, the sweetness of his song…memories I want realities…no more dreams in this surrealistic world of pain and forlorn. I do not seek self-induced pity, but rather ask for comprehension of the soul. Good night my sweet-love. Good night my Ryan darling. May good things visit you in the night. My snoring wont keep you wake. posted by Steven @ 12/12/2003 04:27:00 PM
(Weeks ago…I don’t remember when) ::So much for 7:00pm:: Why do I even bother trying? Every time I think something or someone may possibly work out, it fails. I’m sick and tired of boyish bullshit games. Is anyone consistent anymore? Does anyone believe in thorough communication? Does anyone even think about dates that may possibly lead somewhere? Apparently not. Ugh I’ve absolutely forgotten how empty dating life can be. Doesn’t anyone know how to call and cancel? We’re supposed to meet in what an hour and a half and he doesn’t think to call and let me that he isn’t feeling well? Glad I didn’t prepare dinner and I’m glad I decided to call him before I really started to get ready. As one may have noticed I’m bit agitated. As I have noticed I’m usually irritated at the end of a dating spree. Yes a spree because that is all any of my dates develop into. Anyway, I’m gonna call the lad and see if he wants company since he is too afraid to venture out into the cold. Aren’t I a total dork? Well come on is Friday night and I don’t wanna be home alone. At least this way I can leave if he bores the fuck outta me. Hmmm. The Crown posted by Steven @ 12/12/2003 04:19:00 PM
::Cough Cough:: Why is it that adults working with other adults who have learning disabilities seem to be the ones how require life assistance? The so-called adults I work with are in dire need of education on what is to be human before they can dare attempt to teach others how to be the same. They, however, attempt to and it’s frustrating. The Crown posted by Steven @ 11/19/2003 12:06:00 AM	Wednesday
some thoughts... 21 one years ago the world gave us ryan bradly dunn. 20 1/2 years ryan bradly dunn gave his hear to me. every singly day since that has been filled with constant love, joy and happiness. my darkest days have since been filled with a previously absent light and my brightest ones have become ever so much more brilliant. ryan's shine fell directly upon me 8 months and several days before today, commemorated on every 12th day of every single month since. our first meeting was brief and a bit lack luster; he was dancing with another and i was standing a bit disappointed, wishing more attention had been paid to my direction. days past when i was given the chance to peak at a view i secretly wanted to see; a possibility for more. i stepped into his vehicle and spoke to mind, "he really looks amazing." a night of debauchery would ensure, followed by a cityrail kiss that ultimately led my eyes to focus on the possible future i had before me. it became a future of growth, love, happiness, and laughter. two months ago i hurdled an obstacle onto the path of that great future and i've thought about my misfortune every single day since. i constantly, whether overtly, covertly, consciously and/or subconsciously, remember what it was like to have pressed my lips against his, to feel the touch of his fingertips entangled with mine, and hear the beat of his heart loving me unconditionally. today is a wonderful day because it celebrates the great and incredible fortune that was given the the many of us who have been lucky enough to be included in ryan's world. i am extremely happy that he has allowed me to continue being a part of that wondrous place, a local where ryan glows and makes those around him feel like gods though his association. though i, a mere half god, am content with my place in his life; i am not for a minute satisfied with it. i miss him dearly and love him very much. as tears blur my vision one thing always remains clear, my lasting love and devotion. i thank goddess for him and i thank you ryan for being exactly who and what you are. a fantastically wonderful man who has truly and forever impacted my life. thank you for the gifts you have given me on this day of your birth. i literally wish i was there standing beside as you blow breath from your mouth and past a cake; lips poised for a birthday kiss. i guess i shant have mine and eat it too. id like that though. i love you ryan; more than tears, letters, or words on any screen, piece of paper or through telephone can explain. happy birthday my true love. always, steven posted by Steven @ 10/14/2003 05:43:00 PM	Tuesday
::Feelings:: I felt ill this morning. I spoke to Ryan about dating. We disclosed our private indiscretions with bodies and explain to each other how much we had wished we were with each other instead. I didn’t initially know how to feel about the whole dating thing. I wasn’t sad, nor was I happy. I instead felt empty. I lacked the fullness I once had when I loved with Ryan. The substitute of loved friendship is filling but not quite so nourishing as I had hoped, but if we want to continue enjoying the joy of each other’s fruit we’ll both have to learn to get used to it. Oddly, or rather surprisingly I’ve lagged during the healing process; that’s the impression I’ve been led to perceive. It appears my little actor may be better at playing on stage than I thought. I knew he was hiding his emotions; that fact that he missed me, cried for weeks, lost weight as a product of depression, etc was eventually disclosed and now I’m beginning to think his apparent emotional wellness is also a sham. Bless his heart. Oh and Travis is a no good backstabbing pig. Ryan told him no. I love that boy. The Crown. posted by Steven @ 9/23/2003 02:51:00 AM
::Asked Ryan Yoshimoto:: Her name is Sandy. =) The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/16/2003 03:01:00 AM
::The Marina:: I went on a date, a real date. A date where the perceived intention of both people involved was to be out on a date. It was interesting, I allowed myself to relax and fall into the romance of the night. A long walk from my place to the San Francisco Water Park was had. We gazed through the fog at the blinking lights across the marina to the pier, it was very Great Gatsby; green blinking light even further out in the distance and what not. I had a good time. I actually for a second forgot about Ryan and how odd it would be to try and possibly establish emotions for anyone but him. That’s of course not to say that I didn’t have moments where I sat and thought about how I somehow in some distant universe be betraying Ryan or how much I wished he was there next to me instead, followed by the reality of me having to move on and that there was no wrong in doing so. He and I have actually started to become regular friends and starting to become accustomed to having a past and discussing it without tears or regret. It’s nice. I have another date on Wednesday. I’m looking forward to it. We’ll see what happens. My fingers are crossed; yours will be too. The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/16/2003 01:17:00 AM
::11:: I look at my clock and attempt to do a time conversion for Sydney. Tomorrow would have been our seventh month anniversary. I wonder what we would have done for it. A large part of me wish he were there to find out. As days past I fall more in love with Ryan. He's becoming more and more of a best friend, mind you he's always been one of my best friends, but now he's only that. A friend with a history and a friend who better have a future if he knows what is best for him. We talk on a regular basis and our conversations are becoming nicer to listen to. I had such a hard time hearing about how wonderful his life was, even if he was only pretending. The hardest part was knowing I wasn't there to enjoy it with him. I wonder what he'll think when he wakes and sees that it is the 12th. Should I call him? Email him? Send him a single white rose? Sit fondly and remember how fuckin' awesome it was!? Where is that calling card info anyway? Happy 7th month. I'm spending it without you and it hurts. posted by Steven @ 9/11/2003 02:48:00 AM	Thursday
::Growing:: It's not that I haven't had anything to write, I've just haven't had the heart to write any of it down. I've been happily depressed since my arrival in San Fran (they hate when it's called that). I've had a great time getting to know the city, but I've had a miserable time forgetting the one I've left behind. Ryan and I talk almost every other day and though it's hard to sit and carry a conversation without getting misty; it's worth it. We had an argument the other day. The first one that wasn't resolved in the same sitting. It was on the Internet and he had more important things to do, hmm things that are now more important than me that never were. The tiff started when I called him insensitive: speedos, shirtless dancing, clubs, friends, happiness... were our most recent topics of conversation. While he was out, what I thought was, having the time of his life; I was home sad and alone. Turns out my lil acting friend is a pretty good actor, not that I didn't know that. Rye has been in worse shape than I have been, but has been putting on a pretty picture for the benefit of us. He told me that he cried so much he became ill and put of a few kilos. Call me sadistic, but I felt better. Not because he was miserable, but because I knew he missed me as much as I had missed him and that he was putting on his happy show in an attempt to make me feel better. What a sweetie. I love that boy more and more. He's a wonderful boy and I'm glad to know him. He's one of my best friends. This city suddenly looks prettier. Looks like the fog has rolled out. Maybe I'll step out into the light. Its 1:03am. The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/10/2003 01:14:00 AM	Wednesday
::Post Dated:: I originally wrote a blog for the day I lived twice. This year I had two August 15s and they were each others opposite. One I'll always remember as the day one spectacular life ended and the other when a seed was planted for a new one. I'll say no more. It was difficult to live through it once, I'd prefer not to do it again. This is my third attempt to enter something pertaining to that day(s). The first was a heart felt description of both the pain and joy I felt that day. My computer froze and it was erased. The second abridged version sits locked away on my parents PC in Whittier. This one sits before your eyes. Though I'd like to provide greater insight to my trauma/joy. I can't. It simply hurts too much and I need to move forward. This posting however serves as a marker for that day, one I will not soon forget and doubt I ever could. The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/30/2003 01:32:00 AM	Saturday
::Burr:: It's cold and I want to be warm. Will you hug me? The Crown posted by Steven @ 6/10/2003 11:56:00 PM	Tuesday
::Time:: So I totally do not post as nearly as I should. It's not that I don't have time, albeit it is a contributing factor or my lack of literary effort, I don't have the passion. There was a time when I sat and sat and wrote and wrote and for whatever reason that passion is gone. I used to love to write and I used to love having things to write about, but recently I haven't had the drive. Blogger has become a tool for letting my friends know my life as opposed to letting me reflect on how I live it. ::Party of Five is on Telstra. I sooooo miss the days when I ran and sat in front of the TV to devote my self to the Salingers. It's such a real show with real people living real situations. It has a special place in my heart. It reminds me of how emotional life can be when one has emotions to live through:: Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I've been too focussed on thinking I haven't spent enough time living. I'm I afraid of living life through my emotions balanced with my thoughts as I had during my undergraduate college years? I'm I afraid of losing control? My friend the King of the Cock-Roaches thinks I'm a bit too focussed and that I am unwilling to open my mind to new possibilities. I know in my heart that that is untrue, but i question if my exterior has grown too seemingly rigid and un-Steven-like. Where have I gone? When or more importantly as of late; where will I be found. The Crown posted by Steven @ 6/10/2003 08:27:00 AM
::Sex:: Written May 9, 03 From the small amount or research I have done, I have found that Dragons only reveal themselves to humans if they trust and want to be seen by them. It usually requires a fair amount of effort, persistence, and a pure heart to attract a Dragon’s attention. Interestingly enough I’ve been having waves of flashes at what appear to be random moments, though I have noticed they are beginning to occur most often when I make sudden and abrupt movements or when I am in an intense emotional state. I’ve begun drawing again and interestingly enough my recent subjects have been Wyvern Dragons. I find if I sit and let my pencil lead my hand my Dragon drawings are more brilliant and seem to be honest interpretations of what I see and feel; a metaphor for life no doubt. Let live with honesty and brilliance and life will become your own. The Crown ::Mummy:: Written May 11, 03 It’s mum’s first Mother’s Day without her son. I’m very sure she is well and I doubt it even phased her, but I can’t help but shake the idea of being there with her while she open’s my express-mailed Peanut’s Gang Lucy Bobble-head. I called her yesterday and asked her to open her package on the phone so that I could at least hear her reaction; isn’t it funny how much of a gift the giver receives from watching the receipting open their present. She shouted in her calm and cool non-shouting motherly way, “ Oh this is so cool, how cool. I really really like it. Thank you Stevie. Where did you find it? It’s so cool.” I think she liked it. I in fact knew she had been looking for the very item I purchased for the past year. Go me! It’d be silly of me not to admit that I derived great pleasure from her joy, it think its obvious that I did; it would be even sillier not to be happy for my mummy’s happiness. Side note, I’m using a computer with Australian English dictionary and grammar check. I’m not lazy nor am I an idiot. I’m pseudo Australian. Oh and um, Ryan; I love him. The Crown ::Home:: So of course now that I am leaving I’ve made myself at home. I’m at Ryan’s place in Ryan’s clothes at Ryan’s computer thinking about how much I’m going to miss Ryan when I leave Australia. I finally have a great boyfriend, who I trust and can depend on and I’m leaving him behind. Isn’t life a bit cruel at times? I guess I could always decide to change my mind and stay here for a few extra months but would I be doing that for the right reasons? I’ve decided to act in what seems to be my best interest and though Ryan is the best I’ve had, staying in Sydney just for him may not be the best of ideas. I don’t want to resent him or my actions. I want to be able to look back at the time I’ve had hear and want to revisit it both in my head and in person. If only SARS kept flights cheap without that whole death side affect. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/15/2003 02:28:00 AM	Thursday
::Dragons Taking Flight:: The Empress is fine and well. Life have been very busy these past months, so busy I have not found time to update the empire of current events. I’ve been with Ryan for several months now. Things are going well between the both of us. He is a bit sensitive, but his warm heart and caring nature more than make up for it. I suppose we balance each other out, as I tend to be bossy and overly honest. Luckily we’re both open and honest with our thoughts. Our communication and are relationship is blossoming. Of course as luck would have it our relationship can seemingly only be temporary. I’ve decided to finish my degree via correspondence in America. I love Sydney but I have grown tired of my university’s approach to education. I have elected to complete my remaining units through research on the BART in San Francisco, which of course means I’ll be moving to San Francisco for at least a year. I additionally have discovered the Dragon; a great creature of strength, endurance, intelligence, and misunderstanding. Dragons are weary of most humans and strive for the finer things in life, knowledge, being key amongst them. Dragons have come to symbolize strength, honor, royalty, fear, and evil; adjective affixed by man. Though Dragons may or be all, some or none of these things, they suffer from foreign stigma affixed from ignorance and arrogance. Dragons were ruthlessly hunted and murdered by man in the West to in a display of so-called strength. Dragon numbers suffered greatly as a result but as of late have rebounded. They are magnificent creatures of not two but four genders. They defy common convention and surpass basic human comprehension. I am Dragon, watch me sore. Wyvern: The Wyvern is a Winged dragon with two legs resembling eagle’s talons. Some have poison-barbed tails and can breath fire. These particular Dragons have come to symbolize a range of things including: war, pestilence, viciousness, honor, and power; endurance and strength are the most common description associated with these winged beasts. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/04/2003 09:22:00 AM	Sunday
::Lizzy:: Elizabeth better mover her ass over cuz there be a new queen in her bay. I’ve relocated my seat of rule Surry Hills to Elizabeth Bay. In short my postcode has shifted from 2011 to 2010, not a large move at all. I’m quite happy with my decision to move. I share a nice older flat with Travis and his two cats. I’ve grown very fond of him and his cats; I’ve grown especially fond of Princess. She’s a diva and a half, but knows how to work it. Conner is Mr. Cool. He sits on his high horse until he’s hungry or wants something. They are both a very welcomed additions to the Court. I’ve begun working at the Crest Hotel in Kings Cross (about a 5-minute walk from my residence). The job pays well and requires little effort. I’m happy with my life overall. After dating Robbie the thief, courting Michael the Keen, toying Tim the Greet, and after adventuring with Daniel Lord of Gonorrhea, I’ve decided to pursue a relationship with His majesty of Persistence, Ryan from the West. I’ve been rude to him, pissy and overly candid; and he has continued to come for more. In short I think he’s a winner. We’ve been officially dating unofficially for the past two weeks, though I’ve known him for about a month and half. He really is a wonderful boy and I’m excited about seeing where things go. All of my friends think I should commit myself to marriage, but after two weeks I think it’s better to see where life takes us. I return to Uni. tomorrow evening. I’m sure I’ll have a blast. I’ll keep my kingdom posted, until then farewell. The Crown posted by Steven @ 3/09/2003 06:16:00 AM
::State of the Empire:: Since banishing, denouncing and stripping Efrain the Evil from the Empire, her highness has experienced absolute joy and renewed vitality. While in the Old Kingdom, Empress Stdiva reaffirmed alliances, strengthened alliances, built allegiances and discovered new domain. Upon returning to the New Kingdom the Empress found lust from Pommy Land in Robbie the Rogue. He courted her highness but was found unworthy of further attention. In his wake Stdiva Empress of…well everything, began a long streak of courtship with potential suitors. At present she is enjoying the company of a man from the land of Portuguese-Malay-Australia called Baron Aaron. Baron Aaron appears to be what the Empress has looked for in a counterpart. He is an artist, musician, fashionista, intellect, bitch, and an affectionate being. He has been seen in her majesty’s royal chambers many times and has arranged to visit for times more. New lands have been conquered and the empire has extended her borders over neighboring lands. New frontiers and will be planted with pilgrims and loyalty will be hers. The Conqueror of Queendom has retreated to a land soon to be lit by Glow. The remaining members of the New Kingdom’s Court, the Master of Bondage, the Royal, and the Queen Curler of Canada in addition to Mistress J. MacStraigthen have continued their love and obedience for the Crown. All is well and shows room for growth, prosperity, and development. Long live the Empire and forever live the Empress. The Crown posted by Steven @ 1/14/2003 02:01:00 AM	Tuesday
::Jetplane:: I'm single again. A patch of lies has once again lined my relationship with Efrain. The strangest thing is though I loved him with all of my heart I'm not that upset about loosing him. My instincts had been arguing with my consciousness for the past several months, in affect readying me for any possible blow including this one. We had a great two days together and then he fell off of Earth. As I searched for excuses I found truths, though I find not even the supposed truth can be trusted. I just hope he is well. I haven't heard from him or seen a sign of life for the past week and a half. I wish him all the best. Oh and I love L.A. =) The Crown posted by Steven @ 12/12/2002 12:16:00 AM	Thursday
::Ears:: Does anyone have a good pair anymore? Those who I hoped to have the biggest haven't used them lately. Looks like I'll have to use my own. They always seem to work. The Crown posted by Steven @ 11/19/2002 02:09:00 AM	Tuesday
::11:: Eleven more days until I’m back in the arms of my love, with feet firm on home turf and heart floating well above could nine. I can’t wait to board my plane, pop my sleeping pills and awake in my Los Angeles. Yup, I said MY Los Angeles. I look over my shoulder and I see the dazzling lights from across the harbour finding their way into my room, I’d much prefer to set my eyes on a fluorescent haze glimmering above my Los Angeles Skyline. I have a lot of time on my hands lately. I’ve been finished with school for a week and the weather is keeping me away from the beach. I’ve found things to fill the time I don’t spend day dreaming of Efrain, though I realize there is almost never a time that I don’t sit and wish I could see him or hold him near. Still I’ve found things to do. I’ve become a video store junky. I go on walks through random places with my friend Roger as he apartment hunted, strolled through the rain, visited the flea market, and made multiple long distance calls; though the calls are usually to Efrain. I don’t know that if I can count those calls as something I do when I’m no thinking of the boy though, hmm. It’s funny the closer I get to seeing him the more anxious I get about being away. I’m turbo antsy and catch myself imagining my first day with him over and over again. That reminds me I need to call the Biltmore. It’s funny, I never thought I’d ever be this much in love with Efrain again; given our bad breakup. Now I can’t imagine ever not being at least this much in love with him ever again. The world’s a funny place. I’m glad I can handle a good laugh. The Crown posted by Steven @ 11/16/2002 07:30:00 AM	Saturday
::Our Song:: "Heaven" Baby you're all that I want When you're lying here in my arms I’m finding it hard to believe we're in heaven And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart It isn’t too hard to see We're In Heaven Oh thinkin’ about our younger years there was only you and me we were young and wild and free Now nothing can take you away from me we've been down that road before but that’s over now you keep me coming back for more Baby you're all that I want When you're lying here in my arms I’m finding it hard to believe we're in heaven And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart It isn’t too hard to see We're In Heaven We're in heaven Now nothing can change what you mean to me there's a lot that i can say but just hold me now cuz our love will light the way Baby you're all that i want When you're lying here in my arms I’m finding it hard to believe we're in heaven And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart It isn’t too hard to see We're In Heaven Now our dreams are coming true through the good times and the bad I'll be standing there by you we're in heaven love is all that i need And I find it there in your heart it isn’t to hard to see we're I heaven We're in heaven -DJ SAMMY Efrain sent me this cd, he wants it to be our song. Judging by the lyrics, It always has been. =)! ::The Crown:: posted by Steven @ 11/05/2002 07:14:00 PM	Tuesday
::Short Version:: I so need to learn to chill. Today I have a pretty big self imposed reality check. I totally over reacted to umm “miscommunication.” I tend to get pissy when E doesn’t email me. Well today we had a discussion about it, we totally came to an understanding that pretty much established that I failed to understand what he was feeling, mostly because he was keeping what he thought was “negativity” to himself. This “negativity” refers to his feelings of loneliness and sadness about me being gone, in short the same feelings I have about me being away from him. Well after things were sorted I realized I was running late to meet a friend and he said he would email me. I met my friend and then checked my email an hour later to find nothing in my inbox. Realizing it was about 10pm US time I figured my darling had gone to bed and had forgotten to email me. I was a bit tiffed and sent him an email of concern. Of course once I realized I was overreacting and went back on-line to unsend it he had already received it. He signed on to send the promised email and instead received my bull shit. Of course he was a darling about it and said we’d talk about it later. I sat shocked at my own false assumption. It was a good slap in the face that I needed. I have been feeling very lonely and have been touchy about being away from my boy; I’ve been on edge. Today I snapped but was put back into place. Thank God for a patient and understanding boyfriend. The Crown posted by Steven @ 11/05/2002 08:03:00 AM
::So Happy:: Happy happy happy! On the 3rd November I solidified my future with my love. He and I talked about our future and decided that we will have one, no matter what. If it means therapy, self-help books, or wild/passionate sex; we'll make it work. Without sounding overly cocky about the whole thing, I'd like to say that I wasn't really that surprised by our conversation. Meaning, I felt like I already knew that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I've never been as happy as I am now. No one has ever treated me as well as has. Sure he has his boo boos, he's not the best at emailing and isn't always available for a chat; but he's my lil busy boy and besides those are my own petty issue. I mean if those are our biggest issues, then we're doing something very right. I admit, I'm a pissy bitch and get a bit anxious when I don't hear from the lad; but it's only because I love him so much. A day of distance feels like an ion of isolation. Back to my story...so in short we've been promised. What does that mean? I think it's the kind of thing you get a ring for, hence the term "promise ring." We've discussed kids for heaven's sake. Though I'm in no way ready for a family, the idea of having one with him totally excites me and the fact that we've thought that far ahead into our future excites me even more. I'm the bossy, paranoid, and strict mother who smoothers her kids and is critical of how daddy lets our son do what ever he wants. The mommy that gets irked because Billy sees daddy as the cool parent, grrr. LOL! At least daddy will dress the boy well, god knows daddy currently out dresses mommy. Yes, I admit it. Efrain dresses way better than me, though he says he likes the way I dress; I still think he dresses better than me. Yes, it has to be love if I of all people freely and openly expose this facet for the world to see. What can I say? Love makes people do crazy things and I'm absolutely crazy for Efrain. I land at LAX in less than 25 days! I can't wait to get off of that plane and powerwalk to the luggage area will he will be waiting. Thinking about it makes me gitty. Of course the month I'm with him will fly extremely fast, I'm sure I wont want to leave but I'll have to in order to finish grad school. There is the possibility that he'll come to Sydney for a week or so, I guess I'll use that prospect to keep me going. If not the idea of spending forever with him will work too. =) The Crown posted by Steven @ 11/04/2002 07:42:00 AM	Monday
::Shallow:: How shallow am I? Shallow enough to be pissed at my blog for not looking as I designed to. Shallow enough to be put off by its appearance enough, to not want to even update it. Shallow enough to be put off from expression at the thought of facing my flawed site. The page is fine and so am I. I was busy and didn're really want to contend to html drama. Oh well I'm over it. =) The Empress is back and the Internet domain will once again be slain! The Crown posted by Steven @ 11/04/2002 06:58:00 AM
::Stupid Blog:: I'm kinda pissed at my Blog now. This blog is working as both a test and as a way to vent my fustration. The Crown posted by Steven @ 10/21/2002 09:40:00 PM
::I Vant to Suck Your Blood::Sigh:: Aparently I am a Romantic Goth. There once was an image to accompany this entry but it toally fucked up the html of this site. I'm currently trying to the errors now, ug! The Dark Crown posted by Steven @ 10/18/2002 09:51:00 AM	Friday
::Boy:: I have one and it’s the best fucking thing ever, not because I want one; but because of whom it’s with. Today I popped a big question and asked my wonderful boy where we stood, a question that has the potential of creating limitations, expectations, stress, and drama; a question that has the potential of delivering smiles, laughs, charm, happiness, and a future of unconditional love. His answer delivered with utmost cautiousness was that he was telling his friends that he had a boyfriend in Australia. I of course then asked what his boyfriend’s name was and he responded by calling me a mean name in jest. I quickly added that I would tell all of his friends that he did have a boyfriend in Australia and I had a boyfriend in America named Efrain. I’m so overjoyed! It’s not like anything is really different. We still love each other the same, but in a way this is a loud step into our future together; a future where I am absolutely willing to give my whole body, heart, mind, and soul to promote our best. I’m spending my first day and night with him back in my Los Angeles. Yo gusto! Feliz Thanksgiving! The Crown posted by Steven @ 10/18/2002 08:48:00 AM
::Melbourne:: The Empress has been hard at work, but mostly at play during these past few weeks. She has been dealing with sailors, creeps, flight attendants, bathroom attendants, wackos a.k.a. the usual. Really though she has had been standing knee deep in chaos. Her finances are in shambles, they’re actually going to be fine though no one can convince her otherwise it seems, and her love life is; well it is across a world. She did enjoy a very nice getaway for several days in the city “Down Further.” She frolicked with the locals and received compliments on her association with the Collingwood Footie Team, though she really fell into the sport for the cute boys in short shorts and sexy sleeveless jerseys. Still, she picked up an appreciation for the sport and was saddened by their nod to 2nd place. Her love has increased daily for the boy of her dreams, the keeper of her heart, the barer of her colors; and more importantly, the conqueror of her heart. She can’t wait to travel abroad to lands past taken to insure her reign thought and across the lands. The Empress is doing very well. She has had her pit falls, but as always she has risen to the occasion and has overcome obstacles presented in her path. More are sure to arise, but she will no doubt take them with stride, pride, and victory. All of this while buckled on a Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride. The Crown posted by Steven @ 10/05/2002 12:28:00 PM	Saturday
::If I Could Turn Back Time:: I finally figured out how to solve my damn Blogger problem. Apparently the Blogger Folks did some tinkering to their system and fucked up more than a few people’s Blog in the process. I found directions on how to restore publishing; they however altered the design of my page. I just spent about an hour restoring my Blog to its original appearance. Ug! I did some minor changes, I wonder if anyone will notice. I wonder if anyone noticed that they can email me and comment on my Blog's by clinking on my name underneath my decrees, not that I necessarily want comments on my thoughts. Hmm. The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/19/2002 11:05:00 AM	Thursday
::Frustrated:: I’m so frustrated today. My damn blogger still wont update, I want to be with Efrain right now, I have a shit load of work to do, and I’m still recovering from a cold. I did have a high though! Two of them actually. I spoke to my baby boy today on the net for the first time in who knows when. He got the flowers I sent and loved them. Woo hoo! The fact that I made him happy made me tremendously happy. It was a bunch of sunflowers in a vase. I bought him a single stemmed sunflower for one of our anniversaries; he remembered that. That made me smile. =). My second high was the sight of “Lilo and Stitch.” Weeee! I saw it twice in Los Angeles, once with the Court and another time with my baby and Queen of Fairies. All I could think of was how I wish he were there in that empty seat near me watching my new favorite Disney Flick (tied with the Little Mermaid). Well I was frustrated, but now I feel better. The funny things the very thought of a person can do to another. This person makes me feel great! Muah! The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/19/2002 09:47:00 AM
::Blogger:: I hate when the site is down. I feel as if I'm missing out on my own life. Funny what public thought does to a person. The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/17/2002 09:56:00 AM	Tuesday
::Germs:: (Written 9/17/02) A cold is never a fun thing, but its what I have. I feel ill, tired, and restless. It totally sucks. I guess it doesn’t suck as much as I do. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, well since Royal Roger’s party. I’m not sure what I’m doing with my personal life. A bump on the head from a good friend, The Duke of Duplicity, knocked me into a think node. I’m beginning to reevaluate what I want, where I wan to be, and how I plan to approach that final destination. I’m looking long at hard at the view and see the bigger picture, but its hard not to focus on what sits directly at the middle of my small frame. I reread recent emails and listen to new voicemail and am reminded of what really makes me happy. That’s what I want; I want happiness. Time for a helping of medicine. The Crown ::Options:: (Written 9/12/02) So after a night of live telecast from the US ala 9/11 I decided to hit the clubs to get away from my homework, the television, and personal frustrations. The night had an uneventful beginning. I met Christ, Conqueror of Queendom, who had a very rough day and satisfied it by accidentally getting drunk. I got a bit distracted thought. I noticed there were other options to the life I had been leading. I decided to pursue it. Here I was in a smoke filled club trying new ways to approach my approach on life. I started talking to Michael the Mysterious and let my mind role with the punches. I stopped allowing my environment to get to me. I took the things that I wanted to have into my frame of consciousness. I don’t know where I plan to go with them. I think I’ll just take this life were it goes. Lets Roll! The Crown ::True Blue:: (Written 9/10/02) The fog lifts and I see a gray sky. Though the weather is sunny and warm I feel cold and sleepy. I try my usual stomping grounds but find little comfort within the walls of my fictional world. A break in the gray reveals a streak of light. Its origin obvious, but its destination unknown. A change happens. A split second of clarity interrupts the slumber. I will not be beat, I will not be let down and I will not falter. I will stand tall with my head up high. I will achieve all that I can. I will overcome and I will conquer. (Clanking) The Empress on Crown has been reaffirmed. Warnings to those who dare attempt to wrong or ignore me. My eyes are open and my memory is aware, ways of the past will not be tolerated in the life of the future. Pay attention to details and do not be misleading. Be weary, for I am watchful. The Crown ::Toys:: (Written 9/8/02) Today was a very special day, not only did I realize I was a Queen living on Crown Street (jk, I’m an Empress… =) ) but at one point there were four Queens standing on the Corner of Crown late at night for no particular reason (well okay we were waiting for the light to change, but the story is better without that part). Craig, Master of Bondage, had us all over for a fun dinner party. It was a fantastically fun gay affair. There was Tori, fruit salad, three courses of food, and the usual what “would we like doing with certain foods to certain people” conversation. It seems that sex comes up at least once a meeting, note I stress the at least once. After the “Feast of Fags” four of the five of us decided to go for an evening stroll down to Darling Harbor where, at least my friends say, I was hit on by a drunk Brazilian. I just thought he was making conversation, I noticed that I tend to miss when boys are trying to get a little piece of the Stdvia action because it always takes someone else to point it out. Oh well, I’m not looking so there’s nothing to miss really. Back to my story, after ice cream buying and a nice stroll the topic of oral sex came about, pardon the pun. Needless to say I learned lots about the preferences of my fellow Fags of Fury. The things one can do with a lil bit of fruit, ahem anyway. As I sat and finished off the last bit of cream (that’s ice cream, tisk tisk any other sorts of thoughts) I was informed that the others had decided that we were all going to go to a sex toy shop and buy dildos. I of course didn’t object to the idea, but didn’t feel the need to engage in actual buying of the penis. After a quick chat on how Sydney Corporate Logos look a bit like kinky kangaroos getting a shag from glowing red ladies (just let that one go, please) we were off to the Tool Shed, home of an assortment of things that go buzz. Its amazing how helpful the sales clerk was. James, Queen Curler of Canada and holder of the Emblem Award: Canada Chapter, was the lucky buyer of a perfectly shaped blue vibrating six-incher. The crowds when wild and the boys all went, umm let’s not go where the boys went. We all cheered with gay glee and sprinted off to the nearest club to see if we could located our dancing Master of Bondage working the dance floor, but were disappointed when we realized he was no where to be found. Needless to say after a night of fattening food and sex talk we all decided to call it a night. Just like a boy to eat, fuck and run. BBBuuuzzzzzz. The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/16/2002 08:39:00 PM	Monday
::Believe:: Mah baby and I are talking!!! Not that we weren’t talking, it was a matter of not being able to. He changed cell phone companies and his computer died, making it virtually impossible to communicate. Gosh I was such a basket case. Hearing his voice makes everything so much better. I was like totally in a panic, wondering what had happened to him and asking myself why he hadn’t responded. It took the good ole Duke of Debauchery to remind me that shit happens and I need to calm the hell down. All was well after three e-mails from E and a phone to him. Turns out he was as frustrated as I was. I can hear the excitement in his voice whenever we speak; we’re both on edge constantly fumbling our words and masking our mistakes with lil giggles. The other day he said he hoped I was having a good time and that I should give Sydney a bit longer before I decided I want to go home (I’ve been homesick). He promptly added I hope you don’t decide you do like it though. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever. God my face totally lit up with that wonderfully “selfish” comment. It was so nice to be reminded of how it feels to be really wanted. I love his openness and honesty. The two of us have grown up so much and with that so has our capacity to love, show emotion, and be loved. If this is one of the positive effects of aging then bring on the years; they’re nothing Cher’s plastic surgeon can’t fix. The Crown posted by Steven @ 9/04/2002 02:59:00 AM	Wednesday
::San Angeles:: The dough finally came in. Woo hoo. My date with Ikea went well. Cheap furniture anyone. Speaking of dates, I almost went on one. Though apparently I'm a bit too young looking. Hmm. It was wierd to plan for a date though. I haven't been on one in ages. Like with a person I didn't really know. Of course the thought of Efrain loomed in my mind in the background. Speaking of which, I haven't heard from the boy in ages, no emails, to cards. Nothing. I'm starting to think he's avoiding me. If he was I'd rather he just let me know instead of keeping my hopes and heart tide. I've had Los Angeles on the brain. Busted out my I Love LA mp3 today on my brand new computer speakers. Woo Hoo! All of Sydney loves LA now too. I haven't really written much on my new Sydney friends, maybe because it's so temporary. If I don't go back most of them will. It's kind of a bummer. No one can replace the home folk I've found, it's not as if I've lost that idea; I've just been reminded of it. The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/28/2002 06:28:00 AM
::Ring:: (Written August 28, 2002) What won’t he check his email and why wont he get a new friggin cell phone? Wow I am totally venting. It’s not like I check my email everyday anymore. So I should totally understand and I really do. I just miss the boy and would like to hear from him. ::sigh:: The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/28/2002 06:21:00 AM
::Hungry:: I'm hungry, I have no money, and I'm bitter. Have a nice day! The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/22/2002 01:40:00 AM	Thursday
::Qantas:: (Written on August 20, 2002) I think I decided I want to come home today. Not anytime soon I don't think, but eventually. When that is I don't know. It makes sense to stay and work a small bit after I earn my Masters but I'm not sure I want to. I miss my big beautiful City of the Angeles, I miss my mommy, I miss my culture or lack there of, I miss my boy, I miss America, I miss so much. I do like Sydney. I like waking up in the morning and looking out onto the beautiful harbor. I like the freedom and newness I've found here. I like not having to worry about driving or even catching a bus. I like that I've found new bits of myself here. Given its wonderful qualities, it's still isn't and can never be Los Angeles. Thinking that I will come home now has opened an old door in my heart. The poor bastards reading this I'm sure are so tired of hearing about my obsession with the boy I love. Luckily I write this journal for me so everyone else will have to just deal. I've realized if I do want to wait for my boy, that I don't care to see anyone else while I'm here. I'm sure it would be very nice and it wouldn't be honest to say that I haven't thought about it, but my heart isn't really into it. Whenever I meet someone I could potentially date I stop myself to think about Efrain and how much I love him. I guess it makes more sense to just do as time dictates and see what happens when I go back, I never knew myself to be logical though. Some friends and I were talking about partnership rings today and how the idea is so cute. I mentioned that before I left I gave Efrain a ring and chain I bought for him when we first started going out. It's not at all the most impressive bit of jewelry but it fit the sentiment. The rings weren't partnership rings but a sign of our love and commitment to each other. The clasp on my chain broke so I carry it and the ring in my wallet to garnet their presence. It's only a matter now of figuring out what else I would like to guarantee, or rather what we would like to. I'm not at a place where I could give my love away to someone else, I don't think he is either. I miss that boy. I think of him constantly. He wouldn't at all be the sole reason for a return home but I think he would be a part of it. He's been the great love of my short life and he'll continue to be so whether we're together or not. Time will tell and so will our love. The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/22/2002 01:39:00 AM
::Wrong:: So I was totally wrong, he tried to call me a thousand times. Happiness consumes me. Evil international operator! What a wonderful boy. If only teleportation was possible. Hmm. =)~ The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/19/2002 03:13:00 AM	Monday
::Stronger:: (Written August 19, 2002) I’ve never had such a hard time getting over someone. I’ve always been able to move on to day two without looking back to yesterday. I guess that has to do with the fact that I’ve never really been dumped. I’ve never been stripped of something I really wanted while I wanted it. Then there was E. When we first broke up I didn’t really have a hard time moving on. I was angry, frustrated, bitter, and worn out. Of course even when we did decide to go our own ways I did wish we weren’t even though I felt it was time. I kept the memory of what we had with me always, looking back to smile at the great times and then frown once I recalled how difficult the hard times were. Fast forward three and a half years and I find my self in a completely different place. I find myself wishing he were here. I find myself attracted to other boys but then halted by the idea that I might hurt him and that I’m not sure I really want to move on. It seems essential that I do. I won’t be home for at least another year and five months. I’m thirsty for a relationship and I want the best for both of us. Still though the fact that I can’t move on because I’m not out of love with E still exists. I’ve had a few opportunities and I’ve turned them away or stopped first to ponder about me feelings with E. I send out emails and sit to check whenever I can to see if he’s responded. He said he’d call and he hasn’t and I’m sad because of it. When I call him he’s never home so I feel let down. Of course I’m not at all upset by the fact that he’s distracted. He’s a very busy boy. He works very hard and deserves to have fun. It just goes to show that I still have a tremendous amount of feeling left inside of me. The fact that I’m sad he hasn’t called or that he’s never home to talk to me clearly demonstrates the great amount of love left in my heart. For a short while I wondered if I thought I missed him as much as I had because I was romantically alone here, but having been given the chance to have new relationships and having not taken them because of my feelings toward E have proved otherwise. I was in a brisk but wonderful rekindled relationship. Though time had passed emotions were quick to return with a vengeance. They came back harder, redeveloped extremely fast and are felt stronger. I now have the advantage of understanding my feelings and knowing that they are real. I don’t find it odd that I secretly hoped that he had moved on so that I could use that as an excuse for myself to do the same. I wanted to be hurt so I could channel that into strength. Instead I sit here wishing he were here with me, not exactly wanting to move on. He said he’s always be there whenever I decided to return no matter what. He said that I am his true love. Those words ring in my head every single day. Of course logic says who knows what the future holds, what happens if I do come home and he’s met someone wonderful? What happens if he meets someone he loves more; would he still want to run to me and hold my tight? Would I find it fair for him to do so if he was in a happy and loving relationship? Would I want to cause problems for some poor boy that has the good fortune of being blessed by Efrain’s love? I’ve had it done to me from some fool who tried to steal his love and it tore me apart. I don’t think I’d want to do it to someone else. I do think I’d want him to be happy and would do whatever it meant to achieve that. Will I stay in Australia longer than my education permits or will I go home for the right reasons? I can’t yet prepare for tomorrow, but I can focus on today. Today I’m still in love and it makes me silly. The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/19/2002 03:12:00 AM
::Resort:: (Written August 10, 2002) I’ve yet to establish an Internet connection so I have decided to maintain a log on my computer that I can add to my web page in bits when I have time and resources. It’s a royal pain not to be able to check my email, surf the net, and keep up with friends on a daily basis. I have gotten so used to it. Though things have started to come into place here, I’m of course still having a hard time rounding rough corners. I have yet to receive my financial aid package from Sallie Mae, it’s only about a month and a half late. I have completely exhausted my savings and my Uni’s emergency student loan plan. Luckily I have very generous friends who have floated my some dough for the time being. Woo hoo for well-off international students who are kind with their money! I have an apartment with a killer view. I’m certain the amount of rent I pay ($240.00 AUD a week) is purely for the view, a worth while view. I have a direct view of the harbor, which of course includes the Opera House, Harbor Bridge, Royal Botanical Gardens, and the Central Business District. Whenever I’m bored all I need to do is sit near my balcony and watch the helicopters film shots for the new Matrix films being shot here. Apparently the city/county is undergoing a film boom. I’ve made quit a few friends since I’ve arrived. Most of them from parts outside of the United States/Australia, but I’ve managed to form a small pack of American Gay Boys that I hang with on a regular basis. They’re really great guys. It’s funny how we just came together, but like they say Birds of a feather flock together, especially when they’re all wearing feather boas. Of course I can’t compare them to my friends back home, but they’re nice and I find myself drawn closer to them as time goes on. It seems everyone I know wants to know what I think about the boy scene here. It’s huge and there is surely a great bounty of cute ones, but I’m not really looking. Small sparks flew with an old member of the aristocracy, but our hearts weren’t into it so it burnt out. I don’t think my mind is at a place where it can focus on a relationship or even on dating. If the right opportunity with the right person came I’d be open to exploring it, but at this point it’s not coming and I’m not on a hunt. The fact that I haven’t completely moved on from E I’m sure played a role on my lack of a desire for great attention from the same sex. It’s funny I’m the type of person who can collect his emotions and place them where they need to be when I want them to be, but I haven’t seemed to find the ability or perhaps the want to move away from E. We didn't separate because we didn’t love each other or because one of us had fucked things up; there hasn’t been a real reason for my feelings to change so they really haven’t. I find myself waking up and thinking about him, staring at a gift he sent me and smiling, looking at his picture and remembering. Perhaps it’s because the history we share that makes him so unique. I wonder what his thoughts are. I get an email now and then on how he is doing and it does me well to know he is doing fine. I wonder when he will start dating again, if he hasn’t already. A small part of me wants him to date soon, perhaps that will help me to move on if he has. Of course I’m sure I won’t be thrilled with the idea but it has to come at some point. May as well be sooner than later, I hope he tells me when he does. I wonder how I would tell him if I start seeing someone. Perhaps the fact that he has the address to this site may give it away before I have the chance to. The risk of giving people access to this journal is that they have a window to my thoughts. As long as they are able to understand that they are reading my thoughts and know that I write what I feel regardless of them problems shouldn’t arise and that if people find they can’t handle my expression they probably shouldn’t expose themselves to it. I’ve recently had an encounter where my journal was addressed, it was resolved with the previously mentioned instruction, I wonder if this is why I mentioned what I just did, to give a pseudo warning to others. Nah! That’s not why. Wow 5:00 am. Time for bed. ZzZzZz. G’Night. Gee I’ve never told myself goodnight before, I guess there is a first time for everything. The Crown posted by Steven @ 8/19/2002 03:11:00 AM
::Down Unda:: So I wanted to kill Mark today. He is so moody. His cranky ass comes home from work and then drinking at the bar and runs a muck on how his day was horrible and about how his apartment looked like a pig-pen. I felt so bad for his boyfriend Sal who also lives in the apartment. He is totally awesome and I really enjoy his company. The hour I have alone with him to talk is probably the best part of the day, then Mark comes home so I usually leave to avoid lung cancer and Mark’s moodiness. I totally can’t wait to find my own place. Everyday has been consumed with apartment hunts. It’s so frustrating. I have to looking up apartments on the net or in the paper, the apartment’s agent for an address if it’s not posted. Then see the site and see if I like the location only to then call the agent an 2nd time to arrange to visit the interior. After that I have to fill out an application, fax it and wait to see if they like me, all the while competing with who knows how many applicants. Carla where are you? Speaking of which today on T.V. I watched the 7 year itch with Marilyn Monroe, she is such an enchanting woman. I was totally dazzled by her beauty and innocence. Carla so has the voice, look and act down. Wow! The Crown posted by Steven @ 7/12/2002 06:49:00 AM	Friday
::Tickets Please:: So I arrive at the airport in record time only to return at an even faster rate. My idiot ticket agency reserved my ticket for the 30th even though my receipt says the 3rd on it. As one could imagine I was extremely upset. Though I was quickly comforted with the fact that I had more time to spend with my family, friends, and boyfriend. I wondered if perhaps this mix-up was some sort of sign showing that I should stay in Los Angeles. I was excited with the prospect of staying with those I love, but then I began to wonder if I would resent the reason I chose to stay. If I truly want something shouldn’t I have to really work for it? I’ve called my agent and left him a message, if for some reason things cannot be fixed then more than likely I’ll be here for a lot longer than I thought. I can’t afford the $2300.00 charge for a one-way ticket this late in the game. My original ticket cost about $559.22. I’m thinking my agent should have to give me a ticket at no additional charge. Can we say 1st class? I know I can. Happy Independence Day. The Crown posted by Steven @ 7/04/2002 12:53:00 AM	Thursday
::Room 237 AM:: Empty and sad the feeling is gone. I am numb with remorse. Wishing and wanting for you to stay. Never wanting to leave you. Finally grasping you into my heart only to have you forced from my fingers. I close my eyes and I see. A perfect picture of my love, my pain, my happiness and my warmth. A first love, a first friend, a first experience, a first heartbreak, a last happy thought. Knowing it will go on and will continue. Feeling returns and memories cascade. Sensations gone wild. Tomorrow is a brand new day … For the last time until who knows when I held the love of my life in my arms. We thought about old times and wondered about what the future held for us. Would we remain friends, lovers, boyfriends, or confidants…? Most times I never realize how wonderful something is until its long gone, this time I realized it as it was going. I knew that no matter what, as long as I had the ability to leave Wednesday I was going to go. Here I had this incredible person, one I could really see deep inside of for the first and last time and I was loosing him. Well I’m not loosing him but I am leaving him. We’ve only been going out for a week and a half since we first broke-up but it feels like we’ve gone out during all of the time in-between too. Today I met one of his friends, his best friend. That meant a great deal to me. When we went out the first time, I not once really met any of his friends, which only encouraged me to question him and his fidelity. I always wondered what he was hiding, but today I met a friend. Angela blabbed on about how Efrain loved me and never stopped talking about me. When he later confided in me all of the embarrassing and/or private secrets and thoughts he had for me since we broke-up I knew we had arrived. We had finally landed on a place of absolute trust and mutual respect. We’re friends now. I don’t truly know what that words means of how it will apply to us. It’s going to be incredibly hard to go from lovers to just friends. I don’t think I’ll happen. We’ll remain ultra close and wont, at least for a while, settle on being just friends. There is too much in our hearts. Well the screen is going blurry and my eyes are beginning to loose focus. I’m either showing an early sign of glaucoma, I’m exhausted, or the tears are paying their toll. So I’ll go to bed, with love in my heart and Efrain on my mind. I love him and will never forget him. To me he’ll always be my baby boy. The Crown posted by Steven @ 7/02/2002 03:10:00 AM	Tuesday
::Jenny:: I made a decision I can be proud of and not feel the need to announce to the world, even though writing about it in this Blog may be enough of an announcement since eyes other than mine read these words. Ahem Stacy and Patrick. I had been thinking about it for a while, three years in fact since Efrain and I almost slept with each other when we went out the first time and it finally happened this morning. It was a natural and amazing experience that’ll I’ll never forget and I’m glad I waited for it to be with someone I truly love and who I know loves me too. I never thought I’d see, speak, kiss, hold and certainly not sleep with Efrain ever again. I’m glad that I have. Things are right between us. I’ll miss him, but I wont keep him far. He’ll sit behind my eyelids, in the depths of my memory. Smirking, laughing, teasing and loving. I may be away, but I’ll never be gone. I love you and I’ll never forget you Efrain. The Crown posted by Steven @ 7/01/2002 09:45:00 PM	Monday
::The Old Kingdom:: Today was the last time for a long time that I’ll see a lot of my family. I leave for Sydney on Wednesday and I can’t help but feel sad and empty inside. I sat and cried tonight. In fact I feel my eyes welling up now. Gosh I know I will get through this but it’s bloody hell. I am having such a great time right now at this point of my life, aside from the moving thing. I have great friends who are absolutely irreplaceable, a fantastic old-new boyfriend who I never really got over I guess; the love in my heart is just as strong as ever, and I have a wonderful family who shows their love in a sometimes off-beat way; but hey it’s sincere and forever lasting. I almost feel guilty for leaving, not because I’ve done anything bad, but perhaps because I know what I have and I’m just leaving it all behind. I suppose if it’s real it will still be here when I return (if I return), I know parts of it certainly will be. I’m high on E and I don’t wanna fall off. I know I’ll have to though. The Crown posted by Steven @ 6/30/2002 12:45:00 AM	Sunday
::Everything But The Boy:: I’m scheduled to leave in a week and a half. Scheduled is all I can be since I haven’t received the proper documentation from the uni to hand off to the Aussie consulate. I am half content with having to pay a few extra hundred dollars for a later flight though I’d rather not spend the cash. I’m not totally upset about having to spend more money because I’d rather shop less in Sydney then be forced to live with my family until February. My patience has so been exhausted. I’m half content with staying a bit longer than I had planned because it means I can stay a bit longer with my friends and family. Though my family drives me up the walls at regular intervals I can’t help but know I’ll miss them. Staying also means I have more time with the triad of evil. Eeevil! I don’t know what I’ll do without a Patrick or Stacy in my daily routine. I’ve just come home to them and soon I’ll be forced to leave them behind. Enter in the new x-factor. The Boy. Up till yesterday I hadn’t had a real person-to-person civil conversation with the Boy. Every on-line attempt from either of us was met with petty comments and rude gestures. Well that appears to have changed. I imed the Boy two nights ago and we actually acted like mature adults. Talking about old times, laughing, and even flirting. Yes, flirting. I never though he and I would ever really hold a real conversation, never did I think we would flirt with one another. Of course I asked the Boy out again and we had a great time and picked up where we left off before our relationship got sour. I wasn’t supposed to get involved in a relationship before I left. Now I’m going to be extra extra sad and heartbroken when I leave, whenever that is. I’m determined to make the best of what time I have with him though. I’m glad that things have turned out this way though. I never did like the fact that though we once really loved each other that today we couldn’t even hold a simple conversation. It was nice to be in his arms again. Strange but familiar sensation pulsed though my body, mind, and heart. Another bout of Steven and Efrain hits my history book, this one bound to have another sad, but fulfilling ending. Given that, I'm still very happy to have him in my life again. Gosh I had everything planned out, everything but the Boy. The Crown posted by Steven @ 6/25/2002 02:16:00 PM	Tuesday
::Does the 8-Clap and screams like a girl:: At 5pm the bell at Powel Library tolled and played an extended chime. I'd never heard it do that before. It seems that things are changing all around me. In my head, in my heart, on my body, and um on my campus? Wow! My campus! I just realized the awkwardness of that sentence. In about a week it will not be my campus; it'll be where I went. Where I started, the place I will be from. It's a proud place to be from. It's the University of California Los Angeles or UCLA for the lazy folk. When I decided to apply to UCLA (I'm lazy) my father, who is always out to save a buck, questioned my choice and suggested I should go to a Cal-State school to save money. He stated that all I was paying for the school's name, never-mind the fact that UCLA is a top 25 school and never-mind the many opportunities it could offer me. Well of course when my letter of acceptance came in my father changed his tune and seemed more excited about me going there than I did. In fact he opened my acceptance package before I even got home because he couldn?t bare the wait. Looks like the name, education and opportunity has paid off. I'm going to a grad school in Australia, the University of Sydney. My father wasn't at all excited when I received my conditional admissions letter of acceptance. Again, he thinks it's a waste of money and doesn't see the benefit of an international experience and he certainly doesn't see why I'd want to stay there for longer than I?d have to. He says that I am an American and I belong in the United States with my family and with my country. I didn't understand how he could make such an ignorant statement, besides knowing that he wants me to stay because he'll miss me and because he's paranoid. I was almost glad to leave and try something new for a change. Having let his words sink in a bit, having thought that I would more than likely end up in Sydney for the rest of my life, I've arrived at the realization that my thoughts are a bit hazy. I love the United States of America. I love it with all of my heart. I love it for its history, the good it has done for its people and for the world. I love it for what it intends to stand for and what it intends to accomplish. It has its flaws and it has had its fumbles, but what country hasn't. I love California and I totally love Los Angeles. As time passes I look more and more at what I?m leaving and have caught myself questioning my decision. The minute I land in Sydney I'm going to miss Los Angeles, I'm sure of it. "It's closing time, time for [me] to go out to the places [I] will be from, every new beginning is some other beginning's end." I don't know where I'll end up; I like to think it's where ever I'm happiest. I'm happy now. Will I be as happy then? I'll undoubtedly change from growth, but I'll always keep one consistency with me. I'll know where I came from. I'm an American and fuck anyone who has anything negative to say out it. ::Does the 8-Clap and screams like a girl:: The Crown posted by Steven @ 6/05/2002 03:46:00 PM	Wednesday
::Tired:: I'm tired of it and I expect a change, refusal to do so may lead to an unfortunate situation where consequences can be divvied. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/31/2002 05:02:00 PM	Friday
::Elementary School:: "Success" To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breather easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. -Ralph Waldo Emerson The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/31/2002 04:55:00 PM
::Taps Microphone:: An Official Decree from the Crown: Ladies and Lessermen, regrettably your Empress had been distracted by matters outside of her domain, never fear (unless you’re fearing her) your all-powerful provider of peril has returned, move over Elton the BITCH IS BACK! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/29/2002 01:37:00 PM	Wednesday
::Enough:: Enough Said! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/29/2002 01:28:00 PM
::Knight:: Janelle and I went off and Starwars at the Fox in Westwood Village. She hadn’t ever been to that movie palace before so it was kind of an outing. Miss Janelle has a thing for Ewan, I can’t blame her he is a hottie and seemingly sweet to boot. Her affections have broadened with the arrival of young Hayden Christensen though. She and I sat and watched the planted love scenario grow inside of an action packed space aged flick and felt our hearts go pitter patter. On the ride home she mentioned that she wished she had a boyfriend and if she did he’d be getting some tonight. I smiled and thought to myself how happy I was that I have one and more over happy that I have the one that I do. He is really pushing me to think and see more and more of myself and of others. I don’t know if he has recognized the affect he has had on met. I don’t know if I’ve had the same or any lasting effect on him, but that is okay. I have been slightly curious about a small change in him lately and I must say that it had concerned me. Is it some sort of effect I have had on him or is it more? I wondered if he was loosing interest, if I was pestering him too much, or if he simply needed more space. He’s fine though, I wonder if I am. I can’t seem to make the same connections to him as I had before nor am I able to attract his attention as I once had. Perhaps we have simply cooled and have gotten past that place where a ton of attention is needed or maybe this is all in my head. I can’t figure out what is wrong with me or why I am acting the way that I am. I know that I love him and he loves me. That should be enough, does a fledging relationship need more? The fact that we are a few thousand miles apart must hinder us, coupled with the fact that I have a habit of becoming clingy and demanding, and I’m likely to have become more so to compensate for our separation. It is just that I really miss him. He is still there but has less to say to me. It weighs very heavy on my heart but its okay. I’m beginning to understand more and more of him, but as I do so I seem to realize that I know less and less. I truly want things to work well. I love him. I want the way I feel about him to continue. I hope he lets me. posted by Steven @ 5/27/2002 02:41:00 AM	Monday
::And I feel fine:: I don’t know how to act and I have no means to act as I feel. My actions are misread and my thoughts serve no benefit. I’ve been welcomed into a newly constructed room but have been asked not to open any of the doors to enter. I try my hardest to do what is best for myself and for others and lately it has landed my in a pool of pain. I’m inclined to tuck myself away and wait until I am called upon for assistance, but why? If I can be there and stop harm before it occurs why must I wait until after it has been inflicted. Why do I feel awful when I have done no wrong? Why do I bother when someone seemingly lacks an ambition to care? Why do I wonder when I’ve been asked not to know. I’m me and that is all I fully know how to be. My actions, mistakes, insecurities, ignorance, knowledge serve to act as a portion of the collective that develops. I grow and I learn as I’ve done for the past twenty-two years. I’ve decided that I’m happy and that I feel fine. There is always at least one way through a closed door. I just need to wait and learn how to find it. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/26/2002 12:42:00 AM	Sunday
::Little Red Man:: It’s four in the morning and I’m sitting and waiting by my computer waiting for someone I know will not appear. I can’t help but feel alone right now. I have friends who love me, a family that adores me, a boyfriend that, well he loves me too. I still feel alone. I feel silent and unheard. For the first time in life I felt a wave of emptiness and silence fall upon me earlier today. I let my thoughts and feelings get the best of me, again, and failed to see the life around me. I don’t know why I insist and just feeling, unable to stop and to reach inside my head to think; lately I can’t help it. I now scream with peace and follow my soul and ignore my own cardinal rule, to follow my mind and my heart as my one guide. Is this new erratic practice wise? If it is why do I hurt so often? Hurt is good if you learn from it, I wish I knew what I was supposed to learn. I do end up learning a lot about myself and how I really feel, though I pay no mind to what comes. I’m running away from myself into my own arms and looking to see who has see my own spectacle. It is now 4:15am and it looks like I’ve caught my own attention. I wonder who else will see, looks like I caught at least one eye. Little red man just turned blue. =) The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/25/2002 04:29:00 AM	Saturday
::Absence:: I tend to worry too much about too many things; perhaps this is why I’m such a curious person. I seem to have a need to know everything and yet I care little enough to let what I learn effect how I feel. I openly say that my thoughts are most important to me and that the thoughts of others are secondary. Of course this tends to give people the wrong impression. I constantly say things that I know will be taken the wrong way but I never stop myself from saying them. I suppose I have an insatiable need to express myself even though these expressions can cause confusion. I guess since I know what I mean I know that what I say is fine and if others truly give a damn they’ll inquire. Though I must admit that even those who do tend to fail to understand what they can’t possibly. So why express what others tend not to be able to fallow. Why act and fail to give folks misconceptions. It’s just how I am. I honestly hope to keep the interests of the better good at hand at whatever costs I may be forced to endure. I have always felt that my blunt honestly has been a cause harm in my life. I have been accused of being or trying to be a martyr. I’ve been called selfish, brave, demanding, trustworthy, bitchy, loyal, self-absorbed, generous, arrogant, real, ignorant, liberal, rude and considerate. So what if I am. So what if I am not. It seems I’m a real life contradiction. I’m a pain in the ass, but I’m a warm feeling in the heart all at the same time. When I love I love well. When I commit I dedicate my soul. When I rain I pour. When I lash out I inflict. I am simply overly difficult, I’m overly complicated in the most simplistic of ways. I am a ball of understandable confusion. I’m the strongest weak person one can know. I’m am confident in my insecurities. I’m lonesome in my crowded life. I live under an undefined rule of thumb. For one of the few times of my life I have come to a place where I not only question the thoughts and motivations of others but I analyze the thoughts and actions of myself. Do I truly feel and think how I think I do? Do my thought processes genuinely make as much sense as I thought they had? Is my path the direction I want to take? I’m currently taking on one of the greatest challenges of my life, myself. I wonder who will overcome. I wonder what will result. I wonder who will live and I wonder who will die. I wonder who will be borne. Whatever the outcome though, I know I’ll be happy because I know I’ll be me. The one constant feature of my life, no matter how strange or common, I’ll always be me and that my friend makes me smile. I hope it you smile too. The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/20/2002 02:34:00 AM	Monday
::Whip it Good:: It is 2:55 in the morning and I am still up. Yes even though I’m completely pooped and would love almost nothing better than to lie on my bed. Why don’t I you ask? I’ll tell you. I’m whipped. The Defender of the Duplicitous doesn’t get out of school until 3:00 am our time so until then I’m making due with Internet games and long warm showers. The shower part wasn’t so bad really. There is nothing like a long warm shower. Lately I have made time to just sit on the shower floor with the water running over me. It is really a fantastically calming sensation. I think everyone should try it. Simply find a comfortable way to sit, lower you head, and let the water sprinkle over you. It is calming and allows you to focus on your thoughts. My intro to Zen Buddhism professor would be so proud of me. Little does he know this is a practice I picked up long before I ever began university. Anyway, so I miss the boy. I talked to him a few hours ago on the phone and I miss him already. Gosh its not like we don’t talk every single night, of course I love every minute of it; yes even the fighting, but it’s almost not enough. I want to be there in his arms, resting my head against his chest as he runs his fingers over me saying anything or everything. Less than two more months to go till I can have a night like that. Our daily emails and telephone calls do a nice substitute for now though. It is 3:05 already. Wow it took me ten minutes to write this much, I better brush up on my skills. I guess it is late/early enough for me to be out of it and still get away with it though. Back to the point at hand. Without sounding like a leech or a stalker, I can’t help but want to be at his side every waking moment of the day. Of course I’m an overly independent person and he appears well into his own thing too, but I’d make the exception in this case. I just noticed how I’m randomly interjecting things into this entry. Hmmm. I’ve already decided that I plan to spend the entirety of my first night in Sydney with him, if he’ll allow me too, and I don’t even care what we do. It is just the idea of being with him in person that makes my heart flutter. Has anyone ever known me to be this topsy turvey for a boy before? I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ve known myself to be this way and do you know what? It’s if fucking amazing! It is 3:15am. Na-na-na-na-na. I say whip it. Na-na-na-na. Whip it good! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/08/2002 03:15:00 AM	Wednesday
::Betty Davis Eyes:: I've fallen in love. That’s right. Yup, that’s right, I said love. Can you believe that? I leave Los Angeles in less than 2 months and I find the perfect boy. Luckily he’s already where I’m going. Now those of you high in my court know that I haven’t really been seeing someone. A ha! I say. You may have heard of Sir Lluke-Alex, Defender of the Duplicitous. He has found away around my armor and into my heart. Most of you may be thinking, how could one have done so? He treats me right, respects me, fights with me, calls me names, gives me a hard time, is sweet to me, honors me, and perhaps most importantly he informs me of how he really feels (sometimes needing a little push to do so, but he still tells me the truth). We’ve been incredible friends for the longest of times and have well gone over my two week long probationary hump, which alone qualifies as a huge accomplishment. Open up the palace gates and bring in the table for two. Queenie (officially her Absolute Greatness Empress Stdiva) has a new man in her life. Long live the Queen. Long lasnt her love! The Crown posted by Steven @ 5/05/2002 03:37:00 AM	Sunday
::Breaking up is hard to do::: Life is a funny game with so many rules and pieces. As a willing participant I fully interject myself onto a playing field without every truly knowing the possible prizes to be won. I easily fall onto a playing field and risk loosing lots for a prize that may be little. Rarity and risk measure value. How much am I worth? Plenty! The Crown posted by Steven @ 4/29/2002 03:42:00 AM	Monday
::Get Real:: I’ve had a great day minus a mishap with the internal revenue service. It started with an utterly fantastic conversation that lasted several hours. It was my first multi-hour international phone call. I’ve come to the realization that pissy-bitchy-funny-caring-intellectual-strong-worthwhile people do exist on the other side of the Pacific. I’ve had an extremely hard time with the possibility that the afore mentioned types of people, i.e. Patrick the Duke of Debauchery and Stacy Queen of the Fairies (gays, pixies and otherwise) may not dwell down under, but they do. Thanks to Sir Lluke-Alex, Defender of the Duplicitous. He reminded me of the reasons I was going in the first place. He was so incredibly read. His questions and concerns were serious and endearing. His innocence, experience, concern, ignorance, sincerity, thought, wit…gosh I can go on…laugh, attitude…okay I’ll stop...were refreshing. In short he made me happy. I can’t wait to get there now. I can’t wait to see my life in Australia. The Crown posted by Steven @ 4/21/2002 11:43:00 PM	Sunday
::The Plane:: A few days ago I stopped by the travel agency and purchased a one-way ticket for Sydney. So I guess I am really going. In a couple of weeks I’ll be across an ocean, away from my loved ones and will wonder why didn’t I choose a city that had summer at a time I was used to. Its gonna be chilly. Damn the winter! At least I’ll have a long ass summer. I get to enjoy 1.5 months of summer in the Northern Hemisphere and the 3 months in the Southern Hemisphere. I guess it works out. I’m flying with United. I have gotten over the risk of being blown-up in an American carrier. I’m not gonna let some crazy man with plastic explosives in his jock strap (kinky) affect my life. If it is my time to go I’ll deal with it then. In the mean time I am totally into saving seven hundred bucks. United had a great rate on tickets that I just couldn’t pass up. So I’m up, up, and away! I hope I enjoy the in-flight movie. The Crown posted by Steven @ 4/14/2002 03:01:00 AM
::E Block:: Finals continue to be a nightmare. Though I do feel fortunate to have take-home paper instead of in-class tests, I’d still prefer not to have to take any. While wrapping up final number three of four I noticed I failed to mail the bill I had intended to post earlier. The bill is due on the 20th and seeing that today is the 18th I thought it would be best to send it with the first mail pick-up located at Covel Commons. Living in De Neve meant that I would have to walk about 300 feet in the Los Angeles-type freezing weather at 2:30 in the morning. After delivering my bill I passed by Delta Terrace and realized I hadn’t been there since my first year of school, about four years ago. Equipped with my R.A. Bruincard of absolute power I keyed into the complex. I came across a door I had to jimmy open in the past to visit a friend, who’s name I have now forgotten, who used to live in the building. Gosh what was her name? I then walked into a lounge similar to the one Kevin, Jon, this other friend who’s name I have forgotten, and I played cards in and thought about how different things now were. I left the complex and wondered how I would get to Ryan and Jamie’s old suite; the suite where they were caught kissing in by random people walking down an external stairwell. When I walked towards the elevator that led back to Covel I looked over my shoulder and saw Kevin’s old window. Kevin and I no longer talk due to who-knows why anymore. Part of me wished we did. A small part of me wished I could do it, as I did it the first time, all over again. I wish for a day I could relive year one of college. Oh well. Wanting to complete my tour down memory lane I left Delta and climbed that long stairway to Rieber Hall. As I walked in I asked the access control guy if I had to swipe in with him before I used the stairway. He answered with a suspicious yes, my ignorance seemed to set off an alarm in his head and the fact that my Bruincard lit a green “ok” light instead of the red “denied” light confused him a bit more. I explained that I was a RA and had full access to all of the buildings. I still hadn’t noticed how the worlds of my past and present collided. At Delta I was allowed a freedom to explore the structure like I never had before, the old tricks I used to break into the building have been countered by new security systems, though I appreciated my new freedom I failed to take note of why I had it. As I explored the floor at Rieber 2 South I got suspicious looks from various residents who recognized me as an intruder on their floor, but I was comforted by the fact that as a R.A. they couldn’t stop me, again I failedto take note of my temporal crossroad. It wasn’t until I discovered a guy sleeping in the lounge on the floor that my instincts and training demanded that I report the policy violation to the front desk. At that very moment I realized how different things were. Where at one point in my life I would have considered sleeping in the lounge to avoid my sometimes-loud roommates I was now instead was going to report someone esle for doing it. I did pause and question if I should, but after a bit of thought I decided it was in the guy’s best interest. I walked back to De Neve and looked up at my room in Evergreen, the building my friend Owen once called E-Block. I decided I was happy with were I was in life. As I entered my room I thought about how funny life was and how I was so very happy to have my own bathroom. It's funny how things change, but I think its even crazier how things stay the same. I’m not too different from who I was four years ago. I, for the most part, know the same people and, for the most part with little deviation, do the same things. Or do I? I dunno. It is late. I think I’ll think about it tomorrow and probably wonder why I thought about it all to begin with. Hmm, what was that girl’s name? I think I’ll ask Ryan and see if he knows. The Crown posted by Steven @ 3/18/2002 05:45:00 AM	Monday
::180:: Earlier today I busted on my computer and signed on to my university’s on-line records system. I was excited to see that including next quarter I will have completed 180 unites, the minimum amount needed in order to receive a degree from UCLA. Wow! I’m actually going to graduate in four years. It’s so incredible to realize that my years of slave labor have paid off. I sent an email to the Duke about my realization and he asked if he should be sad or happy. I took that to mean that he was sad that I was leaving, but happy for me. I’ve been dealing with the realization that I’d be leaving my whole life behind in four months time for a while. Though my friend Janelle pointed out that I wasn’t really leaving it behind, that rather I was setting it aside, I’m not sure if I believe that. I know deep inside that if I did return to the US things would not be as I have left them. I know a lot of my friends would be gone. I wouldn’t be surrounded by the same collection of burgeoning minds. I wouldn’t probably even live in Westwood again. I guess those things were destined to happen anyway though. If a cap and gown didn’t force them then the price of rent in that part of the Westside would. So many changes have happened in the last few years of my life. I guess I’m happy with them though. I’ve learned tons and I’m stronger because of them. I guess I’ll never truly leave the life I built behind. I’ll bring its experiences with me. My “past” life will live inside of me wherever I go. Gosh sound’s like death. No actually it sounds a lot like life. Never completed and constantly repeated until it has time to really begin. Hmm. The Crown posted by Steven @ 3/16/2002 01:08:00 AM	Saturday
::Kung Fu Fighting:: I have had absolutely nothing happen in my life during the past couple of weeks. My little royal behind has been home and in the office typing reports. I just turned in two twenty-page papers. I am totally tired. Next week I’ll have two additional papers due and then I’ll be done for the quarter. Patrick and I are going up to San Francisco for part of Spring Break. I’m looking forward to getting away and spending time with the Duke of the Debauchery. He and I can run a muck and spread chaos though the great bridge city. I’m totally looking forward to sleeping in and having time to myself the days after we return home. This past quarter has easily been my most difficult. I thought university was supposed to get easier as it neared education’s end. It wasn’t supposed to try to jump-kick my ass. Bitch better watch out, I hit back. MTA you’re next! The Crown posted by Steven @ 3/13/2002 09:29:00 PM	Wednesday
::Dirty Pop:: For the first time Since Sydney I went clubbing with the boys. Ryan picked me up in his blue van and off we went to WeHo. I’ve been out with them since OZ of course but there was never any booty shaking involved. It was nice to be out on the dance floor, though initially I felt lost in the sea of hot sweaty men I eventually found my node. As my friends prowled through the crowds for tomorrow’s late night snack I didn’t feel the pressure to do so. It was great! Of course I looked, but I didn’t have a need to touch. I had a great time seeing old faces and catching up with their lives, while remembering why its great not to be caught in the drama of it all. I’ve recently chatted with a couple of friends who have fallen into the WeHo trap, feeling drawn to the gay Eden every weekend with their money on hand and thong in ass. Wow that was so first year...minus the thong. The years have gone by past. I’m going on my last and I’m looking back at my past. I find I’m happy with all of the choices and experiences I have had. I wouldn’t have lived it all any other way. Spring quarter here I come. Hmm... WeHo there I go? The Crown posted by Steven @ 2/23/2002 04:51:00 AM	Saturday
::The Beret:: So the patriotic hype has finally gotten to me. Last night while chatting to my friend Ryan I discovered that he too thinks the American bronze medallist Timothy Goebel is the best thing to come to men’s figure skating since tights, when a red, white and blue obsession came over me. I went on-line and found it. I found America. Never mind the fact Timmy’s wearing on his official homepage. Never mind the fact that they’re totally cute, with proceeds going to support future Olympic athletes. Never mind the fact those berets are French, ugh…I hate the French! Finally mind that fact that no matter the shape, association, or the cost (only $23.00) its still America. It’s now a familiar headgear seen worldwide and associated with the U.S. It’s now what I’ll be wearing when I arrive in Sydney this winter to declare my love for my home country. Damn that Aussi stealing the gold from the cute Ono skater boy. I’m an American first! Though I’m physically and emotionally ready to leave for the land down under I’ll never be mentally ready to let go of the land right here. So thank you Timothy Goebel for being so cute and thank you corporate American for busting out American ala hat, even if it is via France. The Crown posted by Steven @ 2/19/2002 03:20:00 AM	Tuesday
::Ye Friendly Towne:: For my urban planning course I was asked to do a project of my choice as long as it was LA-ish in theme. I decided to do something that is farthest from my assignment. I have decided to conduct a walking-tour and make a travel brochure of Whittier, Ye Friendly Towne, perhaps the farthest one can get from the fast paced, liberal, and constantly changing life of Los Angeles. Though Whittier is undoubtedly part of Los Angeles County, sitting at the county’s extreme southeast meeting Orange County at La Habra, it isn’t exactly L.A. Whittier is slow-paced and conservative. It’s calm and rational. Though the city houses a Democratic Party political majority you wouldn’t know it. Whittier has been called sleepy and even down-right stagnant. The city’s latest marvel was its accomplishment of relocating Whittier’s old train station to Uptown. Where other cities change and converge on So. Cal’s latest urban design fad Whittier stays the same. I never really thought I’d ever defend the city’s refusal to change, but the city’s conscious effort to retain it’s history, charm, and character urges me to do so. While many Southern Californian towns have fallen slave to orangie-beige stucco and cheap Spanish-Colonial imitations, Ahem! La Habra, Hacienda Heights, La Mirada, and even Santa Fe Springs; Whittier has remained, well White-ier. It is still the quaint little Quaker town founded 115 years ago and I’ve realized that’s not so bad. I’ve rediscovered that I love cruising down the boulevard with Stacy or whoever on mission to locate the city’s best TP ala Jenny Casford deal. I enjoy walking up Greenleaf past hordes of second rate thrift stores and family owned business, minus the Starbucks and 99 cents only store. I have a blast telling scary stores as I ride in a car winding down Turnbull Canyon and I like eating bad food at Denny’s “We Never Clean.” In 1990 151,349 people registered with the census folks stating that they either lived in South, West, or Whittier Proper, though the city’s population is down by at least one, I’ll never be down on Whittier. I’ve always considered myself as Los Angeles in the figurative sense, but I guess I can’t get away from the fact that I’m Whittier too. As perceivably dull or un-hip as Whittier may be, it is home. It’s my Ye Friendly Home Town and I’ve decided that I am proud of it. The Crown posted by Steven @ 2/18/2002 06:23:00 AM	Monday